I am Barry Bonds

I'm tired of my knee getting all this attention, and my knee fluid too. You want to speak out again? I'll drain you, brother, and I'll keep on draining you every time you speak out. You're not supposed to speak out anywhere, except on my site. And you better not talk to the Giants before talking on my site first. I'm also tired of everyone talking about Nikolai and the rest of my family. You're killing them. But talk all you want about my first wife, Sun. All the money I gave her was in the settlement, so that's all squared away with the IRS.

And Harold and Joe, why don't you back to White Castle? If you guys are half the man I am (you both should talk to my buddy Greg), then you should come out and just say it. All this jive-talk about walks and OBP and everything I'm god-like at, being sissy stats? I know you guys were talking about me. Why don't you say it to my face? And you guys aren't even playing anymore (really, guys, talk to Greg), and even though I might not ever play again because I'm so tired of liars like you and my fluid, I'm a Legend. Joe, maybe you're in the Hall, but you're not a Legend like me. And Harold -- if it weren't for BBTN, the only people who would know who you are are old Orioles fans. How sad is that? And the only reason I care about those stats in the first place, is because Babe Ruth has them, and I own Babe Ruth. I'm wiping him out. He's white, and I'm going to own him. Once the knee fluid finally goes away, anyway.

I'll let you in on a little secret. I want them to rename the record book into the Bonds book. All the records that white people have in the record book, I'm going after them too. All of them. Why do you think I stand on top of the plate with elbow armor that's as big as my 7-1/4 to 7-3/8 head? To cover the outside part of the plate against Maddux? Hell no, I'm trying to make everyone forget about Craig Biggio too. He's white. But all these pitchers and their managers are all too chicken to try to pitch me inside and they're so used to pitching towards the third base line, and at this rate if I'm going to win the HBP record I'll have to start batting right-handed. But the single season strike out record, my dad has that one, so I'm not going after it. In fact, I'm trying to get as far away from it as possible and strike out as little as possible. My dad is black.

And don't call me a racist. Some of my best friends are white. Hi, David Eckstein!


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