Riding the Pine

If you listened to some of these purists talk about it, Brendan Donnelly crapped on Cy Young’s grave out there the other night. Bull! The fact is, Donnelly plays about as tough as anybody out there, and the Krukster’s got no love for guys who don’t sack up and game hard. That crybaby Frank Robinson might look at Donnie and see a cheater, but I see a guy who had tooled around the minors and never complained about it for ten years. You ever tried to party in Altoona on a Tuesday night? You’re lucky if you end up with a sixer of Iron City and a shiner the next morning courtesy of a certain swears-she’s-18-year-old somebody’s jealous boyfriend. I swear, the way he reacted you’d think I had my way with his Xbox.

Then Donnelly got hit in the face in spring training and shattered his nose. Never said a word, just took it like a man and wiped the blood off his schnozz. Three hours of reconstructive surgery later, Donnie looked like Ernie Lombardi after a chance meeting with a shovel.

But Donnelly knows he can go out there and snap bats in half with some of that steam he throws. And the last thing baseball needs is pretty boys who are all worried about how their uniform looks or whether their spikes match their shades. Listen up, Mariah! This is baseball! Dirt, blood, spit, chaw, brews, and melted ice cream from one of those little snot-nosed punks’ miniature batting helmets filled with heavenly hash are all badges of honor! Donnelly ain’t no cheater, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to wipe that crap off his glove, either. If those Nationals think that’s cheating, they’d better remember that a year ago, they were lucky to play in front of five thousand striped-T-shirt-wearing, poutine-munching Frenchies up there in that hellhole. You ever seen some of the teeth on those “Continental” girls?

And as for Jose Guillen? Back when I was playing we’d have treated a squealer like him worse than Dykstra’s old lady. (Just kiddin’, Nails.) Jose better watch himself, or he’s gonna get drilled every game. By the end of this thing, he’s gonna get beaned so many times, he’ll have a bigger case of the ol’ red-ass than Michael Vick and Miguel Olivo put together.

If the Nationals think they can beat the Phils by crying every time some schlub’s hat’s on all cock-eyed, I’ve got news for them. Just like Brendan Donnelly, the Phils are working-class gamers, and they play the game hard. You think Pat the Bat would call the umps like a little sissy? Ha! No way. The Krukster knows a thing or two about stones. Brendan Donnelly has stones.