5.29.2005

Bleep Bleep - May 29th



Awright! Holiday BLEEP BLEEP! I figured I'd give you F5-lovin' losers a bone to chew on (or wax) while the burgers get cooked and I think of some way to junk this "potato salad" Gammo brought over. It's like, hey, Geddy Lee, potato salad has this little thing in it called MAYONNAISE. It's that white gloopy sh*t that makes eating raw potatoes and celery worth a damn. What's this vinegar crap? And RED POTATOES? F*ck, this is America, not Europe! If I wanted this South Beach diet sh*t, I'd go down to the damn beach and get a f*cking tan, OK? No doubt South Beach girls look better than Gammo in Susan Sarandon drag. (Well, maybe. There's a story involving that redhead wig, some Cuervo, and a ball gag somewhere in there, but I don't want to talk about it.)

So, yeah, me and the E$PN folks are having a little shindig at Casa Del Sports. Ravy's doing OK - he might be able to eat solids in a week, and the guys are having lots of fun writing stupid sh*t on his leg cast. (I drew an I'M WITH DUMMY arrow pointing to Ravy's head. HAHAHAHAHA!) F*cking Ray Knight showed up, though - I think he's trying to escape from that butch ball-and-chain of his. He's a wackjob - I swear I saw him trying to corner Dan Patrick earlier to talk about his close personal relationship with L. Ron Hubbard. F*ck that noise. Tho I heard that folks get to scream at other folks as part of that stuff. Ha ha - yeah, I might be good at that. If I could do that, and get me some of that Hollywood tail that cabana boy Cruise snatches, hell yeah! But, OK, I'm back on track. Yeah, it'd be nice if the weather was a bit more co-operative, but f*ck it, I got a brew, I got some bacon-burger dogs comin', and Stuart Scott's about 900 miles away annoying the everlovin' sh*t out of his relations w/ that DMX titty-twisting, so BOOYAH for that sh*t. As cool as the other side of MY FOOT UP YOUR *SS, Pharell.

By the way, I was told by the raving geek what supervises this thing that I should apologize for my f*cking language in my last post. I was told when I first got access to this thing that anything goes as long as I mask any anti-Disney objectionable words (tho I see some folks flaunting that rule). But now, because of SOMETHING I did - dunno what; they won't say - they told me to ease off the gas. So, yeah, I have some stupid quota I can't pass re: the f & s bombs, but whatever. They ain't gonna hold me back. I'm giving you guys 100% pure Bowa in every f*cking post, don't you worry. NOBODY'S gonna break MY stride. (Oh, damn, tho - I forgot to star out something nasty up there. Hey, Booger - star out St*art Sc*tt up there when you read this, would ya?) (Oh, yeah - I'm tough AND smart!)

So let's get back to talking about what we're here for - F*CKING BASEBALL!

Hey, Larry - I read on a blog that you said the Red Sox need to "turn up the intensity volume" in order to compete in the AL East. What the hell is "intensity volume"? And where' s the knob to turn it up? [K. Mueller, Boston, MA]

Oh, I can tell you where the knob is, for damn sure. Who the f*ck reads a blog for sports news, anyway? Do you use the internet to get dates for your dead *ss, too, Mueller?

Anyway, the Defending World Champions (yeesh) gotta do a lot better than they're doing if they want to repeat. Baltimore is FOR REAL, people - don't tell me a team w/ Bruce Chen on it can't win. I had that sh*twit on the Phils for a couple of years, and I gave that kid the business every damn day. LESS HOME RUN! MORE K! THROW HARDER! THEY DISHONORED YOUR FAMILY! Whipped that pile into shape for the O's - yo, Flanagan, I want playoff tickets for me and my bookie, k? Even the Jays are looking good - see what happens when you drop that Moneyball sh*t? You win games! (F*ck that pretty boy and his no-talent A's. Yeah, GREAT TRADES there, boy genius.) That Hillenbrand, he's a sparkplug. I don't want to hear any noise about him not taking a walk. You don't walk in baseball - you RUN. And, of course, the Yankees are back where they're supposed to be. Tino, that guy - he could play on my team any day. If I managed a team full of Tino's, I'd probably have as many rings as that sad sack Torre. Wouldn't be able to win a footrace against broke-dick llamas, but you don't gotta run when you hit a homer, right?

But, yeah, the Red Sox, they got nothing. Yankees and Orioles in the playoffs. Red Sox sitting there starting another Curse streak. Damn right you're a bunch of f*cking idiots. Any team too stupid to not bench Mark Bellhorn and his 500 Ks is too stupid to win any damn thing. (Yeah, yeah, post season whatever. Broken clock's right twice a day, too, folks.)

Hey Lori! Wanna be more man? Check this dude - Finally a Patch that works! In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain. He is great who confers the most benefits. Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy. Never let your persistence and passion turn into stubbornness and ignorance. America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole. [Moses]

Yeah, yeah, the Padres. I know, I know. Whatever. If they're in first place at the end of the year, I'll get Dibble's nips pierced. (Oh, sh*t - Dibs actually tried to crash the party w/ that Best Damn Bunch of Stupid Fat Male Speds group of his earlier. We rumbled. I pummeled that Rose jerk in his fat belly, and gave him an Indian rub for good measure. Played him like the bongos. WHERE'S YOUR CHRIS EVERT NOW YOU FAT F*CK? Oye como va puto b*tches. Salley, tho - he must've picked up some tips from Laimbeer. It's been over an hour, and Brantley STILL can't sit down.

Dear Mr. Bowa: Is Brian Roberts taking steroids? How else could such a little person hit all those home runs? He is obviously on steroids. I also think that Johnny Damon and Carlos Lee are also obviously on steroids as well. Their hitting is much too good to be not on steroids. Who else do you think is on steroids right now in baseball? [Billy T., Phoenix, AZ]

Yes, Billy, every good hitter in baseball is on f*cking steroids. Brian Roberts is on the steroids because he is too good to be hitting the ball as well. And that Frozen Caveman Cousin It f*ck is too because he is speedy and fast and can hit the ball fair when he makes contact. Go set yourself up the f*cking bomb and do us a favor you sh*tsquirt. HOME RUNS ARE DOWN THIS YEAR! If that's not proof that steroids are a dead issue, I dunno what is. Also, performances like Roberts' and Neifi Perez's (what the f*ck? NEIFI PEREZ?) are proof that pitchers are off the juice, too. Baseball had a problem, but now it's fixed. And one-track wonders like Billy here still gotta keep shooting off their mouth like they know what's up. Son, you don't know jack until you got a ball bouncing off your cup. Until then, stay in your f*cking assisted living community and get out of the f*cking fast lane. (Seriously, I think CT is worse than AZ when it comes to old folk. Drop a bomb here, and AARP membership drops 60%. Not that I'm SAYING I want a bomb dropped here, but, g*ddamn, when it takes me 30 minutes to get around some f*cking Caddy on I-91 becuase TRACTOR TRAILERS are passing at 75 on both sides - seriously, f*ck that.)

OK, gotta go. The F*cks Sports mod squad returned, but brought the ladies as a peace offering. Ha - PIECE offering. Oh, yeah, that's a good f*cking look for once. I gotta nice long Sports List for you, Mizz Summer Sanders. See you losers next time.

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