Pay Rickey

What’s up, y’all? When “Baseball Tonight” asked me to write about baseball for their site, I was running wind sprints in Journal Square. That’s how much Rickey loves the game. It’s April, and he’s running around Newark like a chump.

No misrespect intended to the rest of the Newark Bears, but Rickey Henderson is a truly gifted, dominant baseball player. I’m 46 years old, and I’m playing against a bunch of girls!

I wanted to call this column “Pay Rickey,” because that’s what people need to do. Pay Rickey. If Tony Gwynn was making a comeback, people would pay Tony. People love Tony Gwynn. People hate Rickey. They say, “Tony Gwynn gave 110%.” Rickey gave 140%! They say, “Tony Gwynn was a five-tool player.” Rickey is a six-tool player!

Here are some other players that Rickey Henderson is better than:

Barry Bonds, San Francisco Giants: Now, people always ask me, “Rickey, you must have took some steroids!” I never did that. Barry Bonds, though, he took some steroids. You can tell, man, because dude’s head is really big. Your head gets really big when you take steroids! Rickey’s head, man, Rickey’s head is as small and beautiful as it was in 1979. Rickey never took steroids. Barry Bonds’ head is bigger than John Kruk. You tell me who’s the Hall of Famer.

Ichiro Suzuki, Seattle Mariners: People say Ichiro is the next Rickey Henderson. Ichiro has 157 stolen bases. Rickey Henderson has 1406. Therefore, Rickey is exactly nine times as great as Ichiro. People say Rickey is egotistical. Rickey never wore a jersey that said “Rickey”! And Ichiro cheats. He starts running before he swings. Even though Rickey is a lefty, he's so confident in his baserunning abilities that he actually bats right-handed.

Dave Roberts, San Diego Padres: Dave Roberts is a punk. People said that was the most famous stolen base in history. I asked them, “How many of Rickey Henderson’s stolen bases were more famous than Dave Roberts? All of them!”

Julio Franco, Atlanta Braves: Julio Franco ain’t even an outfielder, but he’s four months older than me. When people say, “Rickey, you’re too old!” Rickey says, “What about Julio?”

Rickey Henderson appreciates the love. Pay Rickey!