Bleep Bleep - May 6th
More BLEEP BLEEP comin atcha - look alive, -sscrack!
First order of business: if any of you clowns want to send me questions, click on this link here, and tell me what you wanna know. Ask me anything - I'm good for it. Remember, ain't no such thing as a stupid question - only stupid f-ckers that don't know when to stuff popcorn chicken down their fat pie holes.
So why the happy face? Well, one, because I have a great f-cking smile. I floss twice a day, brush three times a day, and use plenty of "mouthwash". You wish you had pearly whites like mine. And, two, it's gonna be Mother's Day this Sunday. I love my Mom. (LOVE YA MA!) She raised a great f-cking kid, lemme tell you - 16 years playing the greatest f-cking sport known to man, and now talking about the greatest sport on the best f-cking TV show ever. (F-ck that CSI: Your Mami sh-t. And Frasier, too. F-ck that bald no-nothin big-word-droppin namby-pamby wine-swishing b-tchtit. ASK THE LIMEY B-TCH TO MARRY YOU ALREADY YOU C-CKLESS DOUCHE.)
Anyway, love your Mom, even if she's a ballbustin' battleax. Some tips on how to show your appreciation: Buy her some flowers. Do something around the house for her. Don't pick your nose in front of her. Wear baggy clothes so she doesn't think you're a lazy out of shape piece of sh-t. Agree with every stupid g-ddamn thing she says, even if she doesn't know what the f-ck she's talking about. Bring a pretty girl with you so you don't have to hear crap about why you're not settling down. Kick a couple of dogs before you go inside so when she goes on and on about how you never call and you never come over and you act like an ungrateful brat you don't go postal and kick holes in the wall and call your Mom some words you wouldn't use in front of the woman what raised your dead stupid -ss. And, f-ck it, tell her you love her, too.
All right, enough of this chick flick sh-t - time for questions!
"Hi skipper - If you had been managing the Yankees in 2004, what would you have said to A-Rod when he came back to the bench following the slap play in ALCS Game 6? Keep it real, Larry!" [Jerry N., Richmond, VA]
"Keep it real." You f-cking -ssbag. THIRTEEN YEARS IN PHILLY is keepin it plenty f-cking real, let me tell you. And this was in the 80s, before that sh-thole knew anything about stuff like indoor plumbing or paved roads or f-cking HAVING MORE THAT F-CKGIN CHEESESTEAKS ALL OVER THE F-CKING PLACE. Why don't you just dip you f-cking kids in Crisco until age 5, if you want them to get all tubby and stupid? Whatever. C-ckrod.
As you might know, I was in the E$PN studios last October, doing analysis during that ALCS, and I was pretty even-keeled about the whole thing, which was f-cking stupid. Really - f-ck that hassan chop bullsh-t. If that was a REAL PLAYER, like me or Pete Rose or f-cking Ty Cobb (those b-tchass hip-hop f-cks could learn a thing or two about being HARD from the Georgia Peach, lemme tell you) - like I said, if that was a REAL PLAYER busting his f-cking nut down the 1st base line, and I saw that little stick of a sh-t reach out to slap a tag on me, Arroyo would'ev been on the ground. I mean ON THE F-CKING GROUND. I would've taken out that Polish sh-thead, too. I would've run their b-tchasses into the ground like I was going offroad in a Dodge Ram. HEMI POWER B-TCHES.
As for A-Fraud - I would've said nothing to her then, and I got nothing to say to her now. Punkass can keep on getting her "stats" all up in a bunch, she's still a waste of space until she whips out the 10 1/2 and shows me what the f-ck she can do w/ it. I would've defintely talked to Jeter, tho - great player, lotsa hustle, but, man, that fistpumping sh-t has got to go. You want some fudge, you go to the candy store, right? F-cking Yankees are getting exactly what they deserve. If Joe Torre's a managerial genius, then Don Zimmer is America's Next Top Model, y'know? F-cking make me sick. And this brings me to the next question, which is f-ckin beautiful.
"Hey Bowa: Is there anyone in the major leagues now that you couldn't take in a fistfight?" [Andrei Tarkovksky, Jr., Brooklyn, NY]
Hey, lookit that - f-cking Rimjob Korsikov wants to know if Larry Bowa's got any f-ckin' cojones. Listen - I could take on anyone at any f-cking time, because I am f-cking the meanest f-cking bastard this side of a f-cking LA cop. Fat f-cks like Franklyn German & Dmitri Young & Big Papi Ortiz ain't sh-t - I'd distract them w/ a hot dog, and then kick the crap out of their fat -sses. As for all those pretty boys doing the Clear and lifting weights and shaving their backs to look all sexxxy - it's about f-cking LEVERAGE, you twinkies, not about large glistening pecs drenched in sweat and flexing while large sinewy arms pump up and down like well-oiled pistons pushing a train hard up a hill.
Yeah, f-ck it. I could take on anyone, especially some f-cking hotshot pitcher like Pedro Martinez. HEY PEDRO! Try taking on someone that's not a dwarf, you greasy-haired c-ck tosser. I'll send you back to Papau New Gineua with ONE F-CKING PUNCH. JUST TRY IT. Yeah, all this pitcher-throwing crap, it's just a bunch of p-ssies trying to act tough. And then the benches clear - what the f-ck is that? Everyone should get OFF the field, and let those two duke it out like men! What the f-ck is wrong w/ that? Remember when that j-ckoff Ventura got whupped by Nolan Ryan? Guy was about 60, and he just WHALED on that sissy swingin' little b-tch. That was some good stuff. Better than f-cking hockey, no doubt about it. "Oooh, please let me tap into your padding so I can look like I actually have a f-cking dick." Go back to Canada, you limey b-tches, and take your f-cking Commie Eurpoean buddies w/ you.
I'd answer more questions, but none of you f-ckwits sent any - WTF is up w/ that? You afraid of me or somethin'? Show me what you got, ladies! Send your questions to BLEEP BLEEP, and maybe I'll get around to them. Until next time - pucker up, pantload. HAPPY F-CKING MOTHERS DAY!!!