I Kneed You Around

Hello Fans,

This is the fluid from Barry Bonds' knee. Since Barry's spending so much time in rehab, and spending all his non-rehab time with his wife and kids (and his lawyers, who've been a great help), he hasn't gotten a chance to give me access to his website log. Thankfully, the BBTN folks were kind enough to let me use their website log to talk to you, especially now that all these reporters are talking about me.

I just wanted to let you know that Barry is working as hard as he can to get back to the field to help San Francisco make another run at a World Series title. He's been very careful in heeding his doctor's advice. As a matter of fact, doctors told Barry that a good way to speed up his recovery time would be to vent his frustrations in public. Pent up anger tends to hinder the healing process, which is why Barry's been very vocal about his mistreatment by the press.

It's a double-edged sword, too, because Barry loves chatting with reporters. I've heard him talk lots of times about the good times he's had reclining in his Barcalounger, massaging his sore joints with flaxseed oil while fielding questions about steroid use, and BALCO, and his trainers, and the fact that he's the most maligned and misunderstood hitter in baseball since Ted Williams. It puts a smile on his face, and a hop in his step.

Anyway, Barry's teammates have been very supportive in his rehab efforts, and this includes former teammates, too. Just last week, Jeff Kent drove by Barry's place to drop off some bags of manure; unfortunately, they were on fire at the time, so one of Barry's fans had to stomp them out. Still, the thought was nice - thanks, Jeff! He's also gotten lots of mail and calls from Armando Rios. Here's a sample of the words of encouragement from Armando: "F-ck you Barry! You & Greg said this sh-t would make me a superstar! I can't even wipe my own ass without getting a muscle strain now! You f-cking bastard! I hope your leg falls off, you f-cking bastard!" Thanks, AR! For the record, Barry would like to stress that he has no idea what Armando is talking about, and all inquiries regarding this matter should be directed towards either Barry's lawyer or Ozzie Canseco.

Also, before I forget, Barry wanted to thank Moises Alou for his gift basket. Unfortunately, Barry's doctors feel that using the Alou Family Urea Balm to expedite the healing process might not be the way to go, but thanks anyway! The FTD bouquet was really nice, too! Extra special thanks to Dusty Baker for his shipment of holy water and the TURN OR BURN t-shirts - the neighborhood dogs really liked the water, and there are hundreds of homeless kids that are thankful for Dusty's generosity. Good luck with your pitching staff, DB, and watch out for any cows!

Anyway, that's all the time I have for you right now. Again, Barry appreciates all the letters and gifts and death threats - keep them coming! Feel free to send your thoughts and concerns re: Barry to the Yard Work e-mail address below. And I'll see you at the doctor's office!


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