Mike Piazza's Political Soapbox
Hey, I'm Mike Piazza, All-Star catcher for the New York Mets. And I'd like to talk to you about Social Security.
If you're like me, you stay awake late at night worrying about the future of this country. "What am I gonna do when I'm really old?" you ask. "Who's gonna provide for my kids when I'm gone?" you think. (Not me. I don't have any kids.)
Well, the president's plan to privatize Social Security is totally kick-ass. It'll let you invest your hard-earned money the way you see fit - in stocks, in bonds, in rare collectible coins, and even in autographed Mike Piazza trading cards.
It's your money. You should control how it's invested. And there's just no reason why people who don't make as much money as you do should reap the benefit of your hard work. Take me, Mike Piazza, for instance. Just because I'm making $16 million this year, should I be responsible for supporting Joe McEwing and all his illegitimate kids? (They don't call him Super Joe for nothing!)
I was out partying hard, looking for babes, and grilling venison with John McCain and Ted Nugent last weekend, and MacDawg said, "P, I'm madder than a public school graduate trying to read USA Today over these wacko MoveOn.org liberals trying to stick their fingers in the cookie jar of America's retirement fund!" The Nuge said, "Hell yeah! First they go for our wallets, and then our guns!"
I didn't know what to tell either of them. "MacDawg, you're an old dude," I said. "Why do so many other old dudes think that privatizing Social Security would cut them off for good? Don't they have kids who love them and support them?"
Ted didn't look convinced. "And Nuge," I said. "What if they redistributed record sales like Social Security revenue? Wouldn't that be like taking money out of Damn Yankees' pockets and giving it to some lame-ass band from the Inland Empire that nobody cares about, like Diskothiq?"
He sighed. "You're right," he said, and I coulda swore the Nuge had a tear in his eye. He turned around to face the grill.
"Hit one for the Nuge," he said, and he flipped the venison.
You see, liberals want you to believe that the system's just fine the way it is. But that's like saying that I should give Jose Reyes some of my home runs and RBIs, just because it's more fair! And what if I crash my Harley, or what if the Nuge mistakes me for a bull moose when we're out hunting? Hey, if the Rocket had hit me with that piece of bat, it could have severed an artery and I could have bled to death right there on national TV, and all my tax money would have just disappeared. My loved ones deserve better than that. Our loved ones deserve better than that.
I'm Mike Piazza, and I approve this message.