Bleep Bleep - June 9th
And now, a special edition of BLEEP BLEEP. Or, as I like to call it - Interleague: What The F*ck?
Does anyone give a sh*t about this housewife crap anymore? Does anyone actually think this AL/NL crossover garbage is BASEBALL? What the f*ck? Yeah, Bud, screw up the season for 12 games so a few NL teams get to host the Yankees and Red Sox, and Real Fans get to see such great deathless match-ups like KC / San Fran and Tampa Bay / Cincinnati. TAMPA BAY and CINCINNATI - who the hell would actually pay to see that sh*t? Schottzie taking a whizz on Adam Dunn's cleats would be more fun to watch that this crap. MARGE SCHOTT taking a whizz would be more fun. Two words for this series: HOT F*CKING CARL. (Look it up.) I can already tell you what's gonna happen in a D-Ray / Red game. Watch this, and tell me if this sounds f*cking familiar:
1) Tampa Bay scores lots of runs because Cincy's pitching f*cking sucks.
2) Cincinnati scores lots of runs because Tampa Bay's pitching f*cking sucks.
3) Alex Sanchez drops 10 fly balls and acts like it's the ball's fault for not landing in his f*cking glove.
4) Griffey gets hurt spitting f*cking sunflower seeds.
5) Sweet Lou gets ejected in the 2nd because he's sick of watching Carl Crawford hit warning-track flies.
6) Ten fans commit hara-kiri after it takes THREE F*CKING HOURS to finish the 4th inning.
7) Alex Gonzalez drops his colostomy bag while running to first on a pop-up to the pitcher.
8) Griffey, Randa, Dunn, Casey, Kearns, Pena, your mom, my mom, and f*cking Estelle Getty strike out 2783 times.
9) I hit the Mad Dog while Ravvy and Har-Rey stumble through the BBTN highlights like ESL halfwits.
But, of course, some moron is gonna wipe the drool off his keyboard and say something like, "Durrrrrr, interleague be fun for fans that don't see baseball too much! Red Sox and Cubs play for first time this weekend! Yankees play St. Louis! White Sox and San Diego be good series! Meesa eat my own poop for fiber! Durrrrrrrrrrrrrrr." What the f*ck ever, Inspector Clouseau. Ooooh, Cubs and Red Sox, just what everyone wants to see! Two piece of sh*t franchises facing each other so they can keep all their sh*t in one bowl! Fantastic! Never mind that these two piles should've played each other in 2003 - way to be, Dusty. Hey, I think Prior can still wipe his *ss unassisted - send him out there for another 250, how about it? Oh, wait - Kerry Wood is dressing himself? Can't have that - Kerry, go pitch to Little Leaguers until your shoulder feels like my *ss after running to the border, OK? And, hey, Zambrano - save your meat-beating for the mound, son. I'm Dusty Baker, and I don't know how to manage a pitching staff, so you have to throw until I tell you to stop f*cking throwing, and if you don't like it, you can go pound f*cking sand with Swinging Sammy Steroid over in the land of f*cking crabcakes and crack whores for all I care, you tubby bastard.
It's just so f*cking stupid, and it's REAL stupid to have these stupid exhibition games count for any damn thing, especially when some team you play once screws up your team for the rest of the season. Like that manly man Darin Erstad keelhauling Johnny Estrada. What kind of f*cked up redneck macho bullsh*t was that? Oh, yeah, it takes a real man to f*cking barrel into a player that's STANDING STILL. No wonder you were a f*cking PUNTER, Erstad. "Oooh, I played football in college!" Yeah, and Teamsters Local 282 banged your mom last night after a keg of Beast and a bunch of Jaegerbombs - you don't hear them bragging about that. You'd probably take pride in working a doorknob, wouldn't you, Jethro? Save your ball-scratching macho horsesh*t for your pansy-ass ABs, you overrated overpaid scruffy no-hit b*tchtit. F*ck retaliating when he gets up to the plate - if I were a Brave, I'd f*cking retaliate by going into the clubhouse after that f*cking stunt and introducing Deliverance Boy's out door to the working end of my cleats. Hope you like sh*tting through a tube, Mr. Ed!
And, seriously, f*ck the Yankees and the Red Sox. OH IT'S THE GREATEST RIVALRY IN BASEBALL! Of course it is! BECAUSE THAT'S ALL ANYONE EVER F*CKING TALKS ABOUT. It's all blah blah George blah blah Babe Ruth blah blah Evil Empire blah blah Scott Cooper. Shut the f*ck up. You think f*cking Florida cares about this? Here's some math:
Number of World Series rings Red Sox have since 1919: ONE
Number of World Series rings Marlins have since 1919: TWO
Guess what, brah? TWO IS GREATER THAN ONE. But nooooooo it's all CURSE CURSE CURSE. F*ck that. I hear some no-nothing E$PN swiffer open their pukehole to say any g*ddamn thing about the CURSE anymore, that hole's going to be filled with my F*CKING FURY. As for the Yankees - well, they're getting what they deserve. You go so far up your ass you're eating your lunch twice, you deserve to f*cking suck rocks. The only team the Brewers beat is their own damn self, and then whup up on those 26 rings TWICE. TWICE. Hey, George - Nolan Ryan's still kicking around. He's only 65 - that's younger than Ruben Sierra or Tony Womack! Just get him some beer, a few buckets of chaw, and he'll probably suck twice as well as Jaret F*cking Wright for one-tenth the price. Hey, Boss - you know that commercial you do where your wrist is hurt and you can't sign checks? Did your wrist get hurt because Cashman stopped spanking your cocktail weenie for you Georgie Boy? Chr*st. I've seen more brains in my General Tso's Chicken than in f*cking Yankee Stadium.
So, yeah, to hell w/ interleague. Who gives a f*ck about SUV-drivin', cube-sitting, know-nothing f*ckwits that can't tell home plate from Hometown Buffet? You pander to the sh*theads of the world, and you get a lot of sh*t, right? Fox Sports already f*cked this game up enough - no need for the game to join in on the f*ckfest. Just stop this showoff crap, and save the AL/NL matchups for the PLAYOFFS where they f*cking belong. F*ck this stupid game. Bunch of dumb*ss math nerds, jizzmopp*rs, and greasy back-biting politicians. Running around the field like it's f*cking Romper Room and they're all f*cking Weebles. Chr*st, it's enough to make me wanna hang out with Kruk. Someone get me a bottle of KY and a copy of Cocoon. This is LB, telling you to go f*ck a tree. See you at Electric Blue, Poindexter.