4.29.2005

Here Comes the Judge

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Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Chief Justice Bob Watson. Please rise.

Alright everyone, you may be seated. Let’s get right down to the matter before the court. Some of you may be questioning my interpretation of Seligian sentencing guidelines in the matter of Piniella v. Francona. Let it be known that my interpretation of the statutes has been nothing but equitable and just, and authorities on the relevant case history from the Southern District of New York have seen fit to bless my decision. In this complaint, defendant Arroyo clearly had the greatest exposure, both because he was the only defendant who 1) struck his intended target with Projectile A, and 2) recorded an entire album of himself reinterpreting the expert vocalizations of such celebrated recording artists as Fuel, Creed, and Collective Soul. It would be a failure of the court to not provide redress for these grievances.

For all those who would question the impartiality of the Chief Justice, and point to the decision rendered by this court in the matter of Sheffield v. House as an example of bias and judicial activism, I can only say that by questioning the eminence of my office, you question only your ability to reason about the most elementary challenges of polite society.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this court is adjourned.

(Sidebar to Mr. Steinbrenner: The routing number of my financial institution is Y4NK335. Thank you.)

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