Statement from Boston Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein

"It has come to our organization's attention that the Boston Globe will run a story by Bob Ryan this week announcing that the injury to pitcher Curt Schilling's ankle is so severe that he may not return this season. The Boston Red Sox flatly deny this charge, and are angered by this gross journalistic malpractice by Mr. Ryan. The story is false, and Mr. Ryan's column relies on innuendo and an overactive imagination rather than facts.

"Someone once said that 90% of baseball is half mental, and as a Yale graduate, I know that those numbers don't add up. At least 90% of baseball is public relations, especially here in Boston. And so the truth of the matter is, Mr. Schilling's ankle is not injured at all. His offseason recovery went smoothly, and he has been ready to pitch all season long. The Red Sox organization simply decided that the team would be better served by employing Mr. Schilling as an emissary for the organization, and we are happy to report that he leapt into the role whole-heartedly.

"Mr. Schilling has so enthusiastically represented the team on talk radio, Internet message boards and video games and even the floor of the Senate, that he frankly has no time to pitch at the moment. The public relations firm that has helped Mr. Schilling with this endeavor — Shore and Kutcher — is working toward lessening his load so that he may return to the field. But public relations is a serious business, and I defer to the professionals on such matters.

"Red Sox fans should rest assure that this organization is committed to defending our World Series title, whether it be on the field or on the talk shows. Without Curt Schilling we would not have been victorious in 2004, and his presence is equally important in this season's media wars as well. Thank you, and be sure to watch Mr. Schilling toss the opening tip for the 2005 WNBA season, and be on the lookout for appearances on upcoming episodes of The OC, Hollywood Squares and Henry's Film Corner on IFC, as well as your local Wal-Mart."


Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow! this is AWESOME! how did you get Theo to admit this?

8:09 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Theo went to Yale. Is the Harvard thing yet another attempt to write a Boston appropriate back-story to please us fiercely parochial New Englanders? (Connecticut doesn't count as New England to us Mainers, btw.)

10:11 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's pretty well-known in fiercely parochial New England both that New Haven is, to quote Charles Steinberg, "a tip of the spear pointed at the Empire," and that Theo cross-registered for summer session at Harvard. And they have the Internet in Maine now?

11:36 AM

Anonymous BBTN said...

it was an intern's error, and we regret it. we don't regret, however, the subsequent punishment for the intern: as long as she shall live, she must wear a russ ortiz jersey. we could think of no greater offense.

3:05 PM

Blogger weasel said...

We have the internet in Maine, and we are handy for Canada! One thing we have in common with that Benedict Ahhhnold state (as we pronounce it up heah deah) of Connecticut is a property tax payer called Martha Stewart. Other than that the rest of the Nutmeg state is what? Freeways, suburbs, and displaced New Yorkers. I always see way more Yankees than Sox hats whenever I'm in CT.

9:51 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Person above me,
I am from Connecticut, and you would be right. Connecticut is much more a part of the New York area (tristate) than New England. At least, it's that way it is now. I live in central Connecticut near the state's capital and am an avid NY everything fan. Connecticut is connected to the City (NY) via Metronorth and sends thousands of commuters in daily. Doesn't sound quaint New England to me. I'll go pop on my Giants hat and drive down into the City for fun with friends this weekend, its only an hour and forty minutes away. I am from Connecticut and I am no New Englander. :)

9:31 PM


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