My Side of the Story


Listen, it wasn't my fault. I might be in the minor leagues now, but somehow security still lets major-league assholes into the games, and that's not my responsibility. Playing for the Long Island Ducks is one of the proudest moments of my life — right up there with saving that Negro baby from falling into a spitfire grill in Prospect Park and sucking the HIV out of an orphaned Chinese child's arm after he was bitten by an infected mosquito.

After the whole Sports Illustrated non-story, I went off the radar for a bit, and I found peace with myself and my family. I'm not a kid anymore; I'm 30-years-old, and I've done some growing up. Unfortunately the rest of the world hasn't. I'm always getting heckled, even when I'm handing out clean needles to junky trash on the Bowery or buying falafels from brown street merchants. I'm still a regular guy just like everyone else, but this world of ours is so messed up: just because someone heard you make fun of their ethnicity on TV five years ago they think they have a right to respond. I mean, is that really my fault?

Anyway, yesterday at a game in Atlantic City this total jerk yells at me "it's a long way from Atlanta" after I have a not-so-good outing. Real funny. And while the papers are reporting that I said, "I'm still a millionaire and you're a piece of shit," it's being blown out of proportion. First of all, the guy was a piece of shit and I am still a millionaire. It's just nuts. I say something true and I get crucified for it. Now I know how Nelson Mandela felt!

But for all of you "journalists" out there, here's your quote: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend anyone. I simply lost my cool. Baseball is my favorite thing in the world, and it's the only thing I've ever wanted to do. And even with all of the Orientals there now, I hope to return to the major leagues soon. I know that I will.


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