Phanatics in our Midst

As you know, ordinary American citizens play a vital role in the War on Terror. It is often only by the watchful eye and diligent reporting of true patriots that terrorism is squelched on these shores before it has a chance to strike.

Earlier today, federal agents raided the locker room at beautiful new Citizens Bank Park. At first, everything seemed in its place, but their attention was drawn to a distinct ovular shape concealed under the clubhouse rug. There, along with subversive literature, they found detailed blueprints of the Liberty Bell and enough ammonium nitrate fertilizer to reduce historic downtown Philadelphia to a smoldering heap. Indeed, the culprit was quickly apprehended - the team's own mascot, shown here in a file photo.

Not even President Bush could have suspected that the Phillie Phanatic would be an actual fanatic. But while this lovable green goofball has entertained millions over the years, he has harbored sinister intentions against his own country. As an embedded agent of Al Qaeda, the Phanatic proves to us all that terrorism is an ongoing threat in this great nation.

Where did he learn to hate America? I don't know. But now that he languishes in a holding cell at Guantanamo Bay, the Phillie Phanatic will never harm an innocent, defenseless American. In this new age of terrorism, fanaticism - phanaticism, if you will - can take many forms, and we must all be as vigilant as Mr. Met in combatting the dangerous threat of Al Qaeda. Along with Mr. Met, I am gathered here today with Wally the Green Monster, the San Diego Chicken, Sluggerrr the Lion, the Mariner Moose, Bernie Brewer, Billy the Marlin, and even Youppi! the orange thing to announce the formation of a baseball outreach program: Mascots United Against Terror.

These lovable mascots will serve as goodwill ambassadors for the sweeping set of anti-terrorism laws soon to be approved by the Senate. Americans can once again sleep soundly knowing that their homes are securely protected - and these smiling mascots will introduce the new rule changes in a nationwide ad campaign to start this fall.

No clubhouse peanut vendor, stadium organist, radio announcer, parking attendant, or disgruntled right fielder is beyond suspicion these days. Therefore, my fellow Americans, if you see something, say something. It isn't just a good idea. According to Section 215(d) of the Patriot Act, it'll soon be the law.

Dr. Condoleezza Rice is the United States Secretary of State and an avid Washington Nationals fan.


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