Pay Rickey

Rickey got paid!

Rickey was chilling on Saturday night when the phone rang. It was some dude from San Diego. "Yo Rickey! We want the greatest leadoff hitter in baseball history to come get that paper and show all the suckers in San Diego how to play baseball like a man!" he said, or something like that. It didn't take much to convince Rickey. Rickey got on a plane.

Rickey has to say, even though this is the minors, they treat you good. They flew me and my agent Jeff out there on some JetBlue sh-t with the little TVs in the back of the headrest, and as many bags of pretzels as you want! Damn! Once I got into San Diego they had a Kia Rio reserved for "Mr. Henderson," and a room at the La Quinta. Rickey don't speak Spanish, but "La Quinta" must mean "five in the goddamn morning," because that's when Rickey's wake-up call came.

Rickey has such star quality that everywhere he goes, people recognize him. So Rickey rolled up at six in the morning to go hit the treadmill, and in the gym the guy was like, "Rickey! Yo!" Rickey comes prepared - he pulled out his Sharpie to sign some autographs, but the guy said, "Rickey, there's some algae and sh-t in the Jacuzzi, man!"

So Rickey went to work out for the Surf Dawgs. First thing Rickey saw was this big sign: "Tony Gwynn Stadium." Rickey was like, "Man, this place is called Tony Gwynn Stadium? For real? Tony Gwynn?" It's just another example of the conspiracy, man. People hate on Rickey even when Rickey's not around. It's not Rickey's fault that God chose him to be his baseball emissary on Earth.

So Rickey ran some wind sprints and hit some BP. And then in the clubhouse, the manager goes, "Rickey, do you want to be a Surf Dawg?" And Rickey looks at him and he goes, "Terry Kennedy?!"


"Man, didn't you play for the Giants in '89? Man, we whooped y'all ass!" He tried to change the subject, but I remembered that! Terry Kennedy was like 2-12 that year! Every time he tried to hit against Dave Stewart he had his eyes closed! He struck out once and Kevin Mitchell looked at him like he was his girlfriend's cat or some sh-t.

And when that earthquake hit, Terry Kennedy started crying like a little girl, right there in the stadium. Damn! You had to be a player to have a cell phone in those days, so Rickey called his girl to make sure that she was up in El Cerrito, but he couldn't hear her over Terry Kennedy. Jose Canseco looked like he was ready to slap the taste out of his mouth, right there in Candlestick.

For some reason, Terry wasn't laughing, but Rickey was finally like, "Yeah, I'll play for y'all. I was chosen to play baseball, and this is the first step on my long road back to major league superstardom." Rickey signed the contract, got his money, and went back to the La Quinta. Rickey went to go chill poolside and look for some fine b-tches, but it was all closed because of the algae.

Rickey couldn't sleep on the flight back, so he was eating some Gardetto's and watching that movie "Mr. 3000" with Bernie Mac. Jeff was all, "Rickey, this is a metaphor for your career renaissance." Rickey don't know what that means, but Rickey hopes Angela Bassett's waiting for him once spring training's done.

Rickey Henderson appreciates the love. Pay Rickey!


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