Pay Rickey

Life in the minor leagues! Sure, Rickey's making 400 bucks a week, wearing a purple uniform, living with some corny-ass host family way out in El Cajon, and batting .194, but that don't matter. Rickey's watching the Oakland A's, man. He read that "Moneyball" book. Billy Beane's a good writer! And Rickey sees Eric Byrnes floppin' around out there in left like a baby seal. Rickey knows what's up. See, those "Moneyball" dudes are all about walks, right? And Rickey, he can draw a walk. Rickey gets up there, and the other pitcher's like, "Yo! Rickey! Out of respect to you and your 25 years of service to major league baseball, I'm just going to get you on base, so the fans get what they paid to see, and I'll just pitch to that little dude picking his nose in the on-deck circle!"

And Rickey's a classy, respectful gentleman. Rickey ain't gonna swing at no 75-mph meatball from some kid. He's going to wait it out and hit tough pitches, because he knows that patience and diligence mean more to the Oakland A's than if Rickey was hitting inside-the-park tacos every night. Even in the Golden Baseball League.

Speaking of gold, one of the few regrets of Rickey's legendary baseball career is that he never won a gold medal. When Rickey was coming up, they sat him down and said, "Rickey, we need you to go to Moscow in 1980 and beat the Commies like the little scrubs they are!" Of course Rickey was ready to go and get on some Captain America shit, but Rickey's star was just too much for the minor leagues. The Oakland A's called him up, Rickey shocked the world with his magnificence, baby-soft dimples, and all-around glory, and when 1980 came around, the Olympics were like, "Yo! Rickey!" and Rickey was all, "Rickey got paid!"

They was so mad that they didn't go to Moscow at all. They was all, "If Rickey ain't going, nobody ain't going!" That Afghanistan thing was a cover. So then the Olympics were all, "Man, f-ck Rickey! If Rickey ain't playing, we're gonna wait four more years!" So I guess you could say that Rickey Henderson was personally responsible for the fact that baseball didn't become a full Olympic sport until 1992.

So anyway, everybody's worried about that World Cup thing next year, and how their players might lose some of their spring training. Those guys are chumps and sissies! Rickey isn't like them. He doesn't go on fantasy cruises or do autograph signings or hang out with his children or even do the dishes, even if it means that his host parents take away the Xbox. Rickey's a professional. Rickey's a gamer. The hell with spring training. Rickey Henderson doesn't stop training. Right now, Eric Byrnes is probably eating Lucky Charms or that Cap'n Crunch where they screwed up at the factory and now it's all berries. Rickey don't even want to know what Coco Crisp is eating! Rickey's up at five in the morning every day, getting his All-Bran on. Billy Beane better remember that.

Pay Rickey!