Cafardo Variations

"If they were cars, John Smoltz would have been the gas-guzzling SUV while Matt Clement would have been the economical, efficient, precision driving machine." - Nick Cafardo, Boston Globe, May 23, 2005.

If they were roaming about the Great Plains in pioneer times, Matt Clement would have been the noble Lakota, boiling even the smallest bones of the buffalo for precious tallow, while John Smoltz would have been the white man, leaving the carcasses to rot in the Fenway sun.

If they were Victorian-era industrialists, John Smoltz would have been William Randolph Hearst, indulging in grandiose displays of pitching profligacy, while Matt Clement would have been Andrew Carnegie, efficiently using his considerable means to enhance and enrich society.

If they were rappers, John Smoltz would have been M.C. Hammer, erecting a gaudy mansion high in the Oakland hills and hiring an enormous entourage, while Matt Clement would have been Master P, parlaying his success with No Limit Records into a global media empire.

If they were Roman emperors, John Smoltz would have been Caligula, wallowing in the excesses of his own bloated pitch counts, while Matt Clement would have been Claudius, shrewdly conquering the middle third of the Braves' lineup like so much of southern Britannia.

If they were competitive eaters, John Smoltz would have been William "Refrigerator" Perry, foolishly equating wasteful mesomorphy with success, while Matt Clement would have been Takeru Kobayashi, employing his trademark Solomon method to divide and devour the Atlanta Braves' potent bats.

If they were lead guitarists for 1980's hard rock bands, Matt Clement would have been Angus Young, playing clean, economical riffs over the boogie-based backing of the hard-nosed Jason Varitek, while John Smoltz would have been Eddie Van Halen, even though nobody likes that power drill "Eruption" bullshit besides Valerie Bertinelli and guys who work at Daddy's Junky Music.