Jenkins Variations

"When the ninth inning rolled around yesterday and the score was tied, the largest crowd this season stood as if victory had become an inalienable right, as if the concept of defeat was unpatriotic...To upstage another New York team 37 years later would be like an extra scoop of ice cream on a piece of apple pie." - Lee Jenkins, The New York Times, July 5, 2005.

To upstage another New York team 37 years later would be like an extra yellow ribbon magnet on the bumper of an H2 Hummer.

Carlos Beltran's substandard play this season is an act of treason tantamount to Richard Clarke's scorched-earth book tour against the War on Terror.

At his initial press conference with the Kansas City media, manager Buddy Bell should have eschewed Royal blue for one of two costumes: Angus Scrimm's dark tall couture, or a William Howard Taft fat suit.

From their lofty perch atop the AL Central, the Chicago White Sox are baseball's own shining city on the hill, with a bullpen built on rocks stronger than oceans.

You would find more support in the Reds clubhouse for John Wilkes Booth and Sirhan Sirhan than you would for Dave Miley and Don Gullett.

After being released by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, Alex Sanchez heeded the call of Lady Liberty, moving west like the great pioneers to claim his center field homestead in San Francisco.

As Yankees fans rained boos on Sammy Sosa on Monday night, they proved that they do not merely hate him, they do so because of his prosperity, achievement, and thus, the very freedom he represents.

The fireworks on the Mall were not the only ones on display last night; indeed, Jose Reyes played shortstop as if he had lost several fingers in a sparkler accident.

With JD Drew's unfortunate - but not unexpected - injury this weekend, the second of the Dodgers' Twin Towers finally, predictably, collapsed, as did the hopes for a winning season from Dem Bums. Chavez Ravine now sits as barren and wasted as Ground Zero as fans and front office personnel pick through the rubble of a tragic baseball campaign, wondering how things went so wrong so fast.

Along with baseball, democracy is that which makes America great - and there is no more vital display of the democratic process in our sport than the Ameriquest All-Star Final Vote. Not only does Derek Jeter lead the league in intangibles, but by dint of his leadership, motivational skills, championship experience, stellar defensive prowess, All-American good looks, toothpaste smile, and erstwhile relationship with America's songbird Mariah Carey, whose platinum album "The Emancipation of Mimi" is available in better record stores near you, he is the only rational choice for the American League 30th man. Exercise your vote, America. I urge you to vote Derek Jeter to his rightful place as his nation's All-Star ambassador - from sea to shining sea!


Post a Comment

<< Home