tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124801402024-03-07T21:01:14.355-05:00Yard WorkBarryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08766828980324641356noreply@blogger.comBlogger68125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1122475295468032912005-07-27T10:36:00.000-04:002005-07-27T10:41:35.476-04:00Where Is the Love for Lima Time?<img src="http://photos22.flickr.com/29001275_df0a8ff57c_o.jpg"><br /><br />The editors of Yard Work should be ashamed of themselves. All this talk about the King of the Tacos – and no Jose Lima?<br /><br />Maybe you haven't been paying attention to the Kansas City Royals, but as far as tacos go, it's Lima Time, baby! I'm up to 22, third in the league...and no respect from you. Where is the love, E$PN? You are all dogs' hindquarters and should be shot in the street for denying the glory that is Lima Time.<br /><br />Oliver Perez, one of these so-called "finalists," does not care about becoming King of the Tacos. All he wants to do is trim his little girl beard into ever more elaborate shapes. But me, Jose Lima? I care about tacos.<br /><br />When I was a young boy growing up in Santiago, I could only dream of a guaranteed job at Taco Bell. I am not like those privileged sissy Americans. Every day I would eat the Quisqueyano food, and think to myself, "What if there was a way to combine grilled chicken, shredded cheese, refried beans, ground beef, and sour cream within a deep-fried double-decker taco shell? What if I could then order cinnamon twists or a Choco-Taco?"<br /><br />Maybe you should try living in Kansas City, E$PN. These burnt ends – they are not fit for starving livestock or Paul DePodesta. But every day, while I drive to the stadium, I stop at Taco Bell and I return to the dreamland of little Jose, fielding grounders in the modest little cockfighting ring of my father.<br /><br />To finally retire from baseball and embark upon a career at Taco Bell would be the culmination of a lifelong ambition, E$PN. Have you tried the new CrunchWrap Supreme? It is poetry. Spicy ground beef, melted cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, and sour cream, nestled within the warm embrace of both a soft tortilla and a crunchy tostada shell, all lovingly grilled to create a masterpiece of portable cuisine.<br /><br />I know a thing or two about itches, E$PN. When you have an itch, you must scratch it. And no soothing unguent can cure me of the fever I feel deep inside - the fever of beisbol, yes, but also the desire to spread the good name of Yum! Brands International far and wide. What must I do? Perhaps I shall enlist my wife to help me write taco-specific new lyrics for a patriotic song to sing at a future Royals game or Taco Bell store opening. Perhaps then the world shall pay attention. Glory, glory, enchirito!Danielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01199871869384538151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1122389389062501332005-07-26T10:46:00.000-04:002005-07-26T10:52:03.730-04:00Rank Index -- NL West<IMG SRC ="http://photos14.flickr.com/16702969_6f02dd7ea9_o.jpg"><br /><br />Good afternoon sports fans, and welcome to another edition of the Rank Index right here at Yard Work. We're heading into the home stretch of the 2005 season: a time when pennant races heat up and the games really start to count. With the trade deadline just around the corner, it's time to think about the Yankees, Red Sox, and all the other teams who are gunning for the playoffs. So let's take a closer look at one of baseball's most intruiging and competitive divisions -- the NL West.<br /><br />NL WEST<br /><br /><b>San Diego Padres</b> -- As long as Jake Peavy continues working his magic on the mound, with Brian Giles and Ryan Klesko slamming balls out of NL ballparks, the Padres remain the team to beat in the West. They've proven that they're the class of the division by holding off the Diamondbacks and Dodgers for most of the season, and until they're dethroned, they earn top grade. <b>A+</b><br /><br /><b>Arizona Diamondbacks</b> -- They've shown remarkable character in 2005 by rebounding from 110 losses to pennant contender in only one year. Only fourteen seasons ago, the Braves accomplished the exact same feat -- and they haven't finished out of first place ever since! Could this be an omen of things to come for the 2001 World Champs? <b>A</b><br /><br /><b>Los Angeles Dodgers</b> -- After winning the division in 2004, they added former MVP Jeff Kent and 2004 playoff hero Derek Lowe. They haven't let injuries to Eric Gagne and J.D. Drew get them down, and with Brad Penny and taco king Jeff Weaver filling out the rotation, the Dodgers can be counted on for big things down the stretch. Plus, you can never, ever, underestimate a defending champ. <b>A</b><br /><br /><b>San Francisco Giants</b> -- Despite a season of turmoil, with superstars Barry Bonds and Jason Schmidt missing significant playing time due to injuries, the Giants are a mere 1.5 games behind defending champs Los Angeles. The Giants find a way to be in the thick of things every year, and with one of the smartest managers in the game in Felipe Alou, expect to see the Giants causing trouble in the NL West this September. <b>A</b><br /><br /><b>Colorado Rockies</b> -- Clint Barmes was looking like a shoo-in for Rookie of the Year before his tragic staircase injury. Nonetheless, things are looking up for the Rockies thanks to the resurgence of Todd Helton and the inspired pitching of young Jeff Francis. Imagine the hang time that newcomer Eric Byrnes will get on his diving catches in the thin air of Denver! <b>A-</b>.<br /><br /><b>AJ Burnett</b> -- He's the name on everybody's lips, and has been for weeks. Even the Dodgers don't have the glitz to compete with the Hollywood-esque exposure that Burnett has received from fans, players, and managers throughout the game of baseball. The Giants might be able to upstage him if Bonds were to return this season, but barring that, it's top grades all the way for Burnett's meteoric rise. <b>A+</b>Barryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08766828980324641356noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1122050000898409402005-07-22T12:30:00.000-04:002005-07-22T12:40:26.766-04:00More Cowbell Than You Will Ever Need V -- The Numbers Edition!<IMG SRC = "http://photos7.flickr.com/11363143_0707bdad46.jpg"><br /><br /><b>What do you mean, only five baseball landmarks still matter? You can't compare this to the NBA because nobody cares about numbers in basketball. How many 3-pointers did Jordan have in his career? Nobody remembers those sorts of details. But ask a baseball fan how many homers Teddy Ballgame hit, and they'll tell you right away -- 521.<br />-- Joe G., Kansas City, MO<br /><br />You're nuts if you think there are only five untouchable numbers left in baseball. What are you going to do next, claim there were only five episodes of The Contender that were worth watching, and the rest were useless?<br />-- Frank A., Tallahasee, FL<br /><br />I could list 50 baseball landmarks that still matter. Maybe you're the one who no longer matters. Chump.<br />-- Victor E., Albany, NY<br /><br />Is it "Kill Yr Idols" week at E$PN? Getting 3000 hits is just as difficult as it ever was. Big Mac never got there. Neither will Bagwell. Or Griffey. Or Sosa. Or Bonds, in all likelihood. Those guys might have the MVP awards and the accolades, but Raffy outhit them all. He'll end his career with more hits than all of the so-called "storied" players you named, including Will Clark and Don Mattingly, who have received zero Hall of Fame respect from the voters, and rightfully so. <br />-- Theo F., San Diego, CA<br /></b><br /><br />I received a few hundred emails yesterday, and most of them were just like these four. It also goes without saying that if my readers write in so enthusiastically about something, then they've usually got a good point.<br /><br />Admittedly, it was a bit presumptuous to boldly state that only five baseball landmarks have remained untouchable and undamaged by the offensive inflation of the current era. It was also presumptuous for me to write off "Rock Star:INXS" after only one episode. I mean, did you see Kirk Pengilly's facial hair? Who thought it would be a good idea to force that onto unsuspecting viewers without at least a parental advisory warning after each commercial break? Who tranquilized Mark Burnett before taping began, convincing him to put his TV reputation in the hands of a saxophone player with a ugly beard? I'm still not convinced that the show isn't an act of self-sabotage on Burnett's part, much like Mel Brooks' character on the fourth season of "Curb Your Enthusiasm". However, after a couple of weeks of this show, you've got JD's pot-stirring, Jordis' babe-osity (she's two or three episodes away from "Reality Babe Pantheon" status), plus three straight nights that I woke up at 4AM for a glass of water and started wondering which of them would do the best version of "Need You Tonight". <br /><br />So, upon further reflection, I underestimated this show. I also shortchanged some other baseball landmarks, and here are just a few of those:<br /><br /><u>Jesse Orosco's Games Pitched Record (1252).</u> <br /><br />Mike Stanton just reached his 1000th game, but he's only third on the active list behind geriatric heavyweights Mike Jackson and John Franco. Still, none of them are within 150 of Orosco, and things will stay that way, unless any of them pitch to one batter a night until they're 65, like Orosco did. Really, what's a career of excellence like Hank Aaron's home run record next to Orosco's accomplishments? It's not a difficult managerial decision to put Hammerin' Hank in the lineup, particularly when he's out there hitting 40 homers at age 40, back when hitting 40 homers meant something. Orosco is a different story. How do you convince a succession of major league teams to let you pitch for five minutes a night for <b>twenty-five years</b>? That's mediocrity stretched as far as it can go, par excellence. That's up there with stretching the "Friday the 13th" series into an eleven-film mini-empire. Orosco should be teaching "Making the Most Out of What Little You've Got" self-improvement classes at his local community center.<br /><br /><u>ARod's Salary Record (avg 25.2M over 10 years)</u><br /><br />Quick -- how many career home runs does ARod have? What was his batting average in 1996? You don't know, do you?<br /><br />Here's another one -- what is ARod's salary? Yes, that's an easy one. Tell me that the number 252 isn't more famous than 714 or 4256. The salary record works much like 20-loss seasons for pitchers and the single season strikeout record for hitters (Mike Maroth and Adam Dunn's recent, er, "triumphs" notwithstanding). Those marks tend to stay safe because nobody <b>wants</b> to reach those goals. Managers will remove a guy from the rotation before they'll let him lose 20, and bench an otherwise productive player rather than watch him strike out 190 times. Eventually, we'll see contracts creep up back over $20 million per year, but guys will settle for $25.1 million per season before they suffer the ignomity of overtaking the Rodriguez/Boras plateau of greed. It's a line that nobody will want to cross. Mark my words -- 252 is the new Mendoza line in baseball. <br /><br /><u>Nomar Garciaparra's Delay of Game Record (3839 minutes) </u><br /><br />By my estimation, he's presently 57 minutes behind Mike Hargrove, but he'll surely surpass Hargrove's mark during his first month back for the Cubs so we might as well hand him the record right now. How long does it take one of Barry Bonds' homers to leave the park? What, five seconds? However, before every at-bat, Garciaparra spends about 45 seconds pulling his crotch and his uniform. There's more touching and grabbing in a Nomar at-bat than in a 50 Cent video. Do the math for yourself -- 4200 at-bats, 45 seconds each, vs 703 home runs, 5 seconds each. That means Garciaparra has been on our TV screens 50 times longer than Barry Bonds. How impressive is that? This makes Nomar the Regis Philbin of baseball, doesn't it? <br /><br /><u>Lou Gehrig's Career Grand Slams Record (23) </u><br /><br />Manny Ramirez currently has 20 slams, and he's still in his prime, which puts Gehrig's mark in serious jeopardy. The longevity of the number 23 is remarkable. Why do we care so much about 56 and 406 but easily forget something like 73? Easy -- Bonds broke a record that was only three years old, and before him, McGwire broke a mere 37-year old mark. Joe D and the Splinter set their standards more than sixty years ago, and nobody has seriously approached them since. Rickey's 130 is only twenty-odd years old, but it's looking safe for at least the next several decades. It should be obvious that the exact numbers don't matter, it's the longevity that's important. Long-standing records earn their keep, which is why the numbers associated with them deserve their legendary status. If your life depended on it, which would you rather bet against: somebody passing Hank Aaron's 755 in the next ten years, or somebody having a 57-game hit streak in the next fifty years? <br /><br />Gehrig's record is even older than 406 and 56. Think about that for a moment. If Manny breaks the record (and my buddy Hench put $500 on 3-1 odds in Vegas that he breaks it by 2008) then he can write his Hall of Fame ticket. On top of the 500+ home runs and 1900+ RBI's that Manny will ring up by the time he's done, the grand slams record will solidify his place as one of the top clutch hitters ever, the guy who you could count on the most to come through with a big home run with runners on base. Plus, it'll be oddly fitting to have a class clown like Manny break the record of a straight-laced, non-beaver shooting player like Lou Gehrig.Barryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08766828980324641356noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1122041844361270682005-07-22T10:14:00.000-04:002005-07-22T10:17:24.370-04:00Getting On Base: The Art of Baseball Productivity<img src="http://photos23.flickr.com/27770388_1ee2acdca6_o_d.jpg"><br /><br />In a recent game against the Chicago White Sox, a Kansas City Royals rookie saw a prime batting opportunity for what it truly was: a chance to network with perennial All-Star Paul Konerko.<br /><br />"Second and third with no outs? Most guys would swing for the fences," says the player. "Me, I bunted." In doing so, he turned a simple at-bat into opportunity.<br /><br />"Konerko respected that," the player said. "I know it. Sure, he said, 'Fuck you, rookie,' just like any other player would have, but after 10 or 12 more of those bunts, I know he'll respect me and view me as a valuable business associate. I'm sure they had a good laugh about it in the other dugout, but when our playing days are done, Paul Konerko and I are going to have a lot to talk about. That was a productive out, and he knew that."<br /><br />Maintaining a tickler file of useful facts and at-a-glance information is another way of generating productivity out of each and every at-bat. When facing Dodgers pitcher Scott Erickson, a batter should have a very good idea of what he'll see thrown at him - namely, a 77-mph fastball.<br /><br />"Preparing for anything else is just silly," says Erickson. "Honestly, I don't know why players practice swinging at curveballs and sliders when there are pitchers like me in the big leagues." As a businessman, though, Erickson isn't predictable - he's <i>reliable</i>. His clients know exactly what to expect from him every time they work with him. Even sixty feet away, they can read what's on his mind every time they interface.<br /><br />A system of "next actions" can also enhance and increase the efficacy of baseball project management. The aforementioned Kansas City rookie's next actions, kept within his tickler file, might have looked something like this:<br /><br />Project: Bunt with 2nd/3rd/no outs<br />N.A.: eat a bag of sunflower seeds<br />N.A.: watch "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" with Zack Greinke.<br />Context: @dugout<br /><br />Not a moment of one's game is wasted when one is constantly aware of what one is to do next. While the rookie is trudging back to the dugout basking in the adulation of his fans and teammates, he will already be thinking of the delicious crunch of David-brand sunflower seeds, and the hilarious antics of Cary Elwes and a young Dave Chappelle.<br /><br />Next actions assist the rank-and-file position players in developing their skills, but they also help to create highly effective baseball life coaches through the shrewd application of basic management techniques. Consider Tampa Bay Devil Rays manager Lou Piniella's recent tickler file:<br /><br />Project: Drink bottle of Old Grand-Dad<br />Sub-Project: watch "Celebrity Poker Showdown"<br />N.A.: make lewd comment about Mimi Rogers<br />N.A.: hurl empty whiskey bottle at Travis Harper's head<br />Sub-Sub-Project: sob quietly in clubhouse shower until conclusion of game.<br />Context: @dugout<br /><br />Piniella is constantly aware of his objectives and surroundings. During the accomplishment of his initial project, for instance, he is watching Travis Harper to make sure that the player doesn't put on a batting helmet, thus dulling the disciplinary impact of the bottle of Old Grand-Dad. He has one eye on the entrance to the shower in order to ensure that Aubrey Huff isn't plucking his eyebrows when Piniella's meltdown reaches its inevitable denouement. This attention to Next Actions makes Piniella the legend he is; by remaining adroit, flexible, and organized, he is able to keep his mind flowing like water - and his teams routinely winning as many as <i>sixty</i> games year after year.<br /><br />A basic truism of success in baseball, as well as business, is this: planning your day out, down to the letter, means that you don't waste valuable time standing around on third base or fouling off extra pitches into the stands. The organized baseball player can minimize the amount of time he spends actually playing baseball in order to concentrate on other, more lucrative pursuits, such as day trading, speculating on foreclosed residential property, or, in baseball's dense jargon, "beaver shooting." One assumes that hunting wildlife for one's family consumption is a little extreme when one makes millions, but fellow businessmen would be unwise as to downplay the significance of one's rural upbringing.<br /><br />There are many methods of arranging and storing this data in efficient ways. A player ought to look at his personal effects as a sort of suit of productivity armor. He can store short summaries of opposing batters and pitchers in his wristbands. He can remind himself of keys to success by writing them on the butt of his baseball bat, like former Orioles infielder Billy Ripken. He can even create a small, portable tickler file out of <a href="http://www.43folders.com">simple 3x5 index cards</a> and carry them with him - in his pocket, under his cap, in his jockstrap. At any point during the game, he ought to feel comfortable calling time, sitting down and getting into his "me zone," and writing down the thing that troubles him most. With this at the top of his to-do list, he can return to his job clear-headed, much to the delight and amazement of the thousands of cheering fans who will undoubtedly recognize and applaud his innovative strategies.<br /><br /><i>Personal productivity guru David Allen is the acclaimed author of "Getting Things Done" and "Ready For Anything."</i>Danielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01199871869384538151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1121703659960442852005-07-18T12:18:00.000-04:002005-07-18T12:24:08.360-04:00Game of the Week Re-enactment: Yankees @ Red Sox, July 15, 2005<IMG SRC = "http://photos21.flickr.com/26856032_f38c9c7e13_m.jpg"><br /><br /><i>Editor's Note: When they're not providing colour commentary for many of the world's most prestigious bicycle races, Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwin like nothing better than to relax with the grand old game of baseball. Recently, they took a short break from working the Tour de France to watch Boston and New York mix it up in Fenway Park. Here are some excerpts from their live chatroom commentary -- an exclusive to </i>Yard Work! <br /><br /><b>AllKillerNoPhiller</b>: What a storied rivalry we have here.<br /><br /><b>WeAllPaulter</b>: Yankees vs Red Sox. It doesn't get any bigger than this. The Queen rivalry of baseball.<br /><br /><b>AllKillerNoPhiller</b>: Who are you keeping an eye on tonight?<br /><br /><b>WeAllPaulter</b>: Keep an eye on the sloppily-tucked, red-and-white jersey of David Wells. He struggled in recent starts but he's always dangerous. <br /><br /><b>AllKillerNoPhiller</b>: We're underway now and Boston is at it again! What a turn of events.<br /><br /><b>WeAllPaulter</b>: It is a spectacular turn of events and I'm not sure if anyone expected to see the Yankees in trouble so early. <br /><br /><b>AllKillerNoPhiller</b>: The advantage is now three runs.<br /><br /><b>WeAllPaulter</b>: Three runs can evaporate quickly once these Yankee boys decide to start chasing down that lead. We'll see how long the Yankees let them stay away.<br /><br /><b>AllKillerNoPhiller</b>: And now here's Hideki Matsui. The ball is on the ground but look out for the white jersey of Mark Bellhorn he's got the ball and here's his teammate Millar who will leadout for the throw Matsui is headed down the line toward the base this is going to be a desperate finish Millar has his foot right on the bag he's not going to take it off the throw is in Matsui is racing for the finish the ball is on its way to Millar and he's got it Matsui is out just pipped at the base by the throw from Bellhorn what a great victory that was.<br /><br /><b>WeAllPaulter</b>: It surely was, what a great explosive finish on the throw from Bellhorn, with Millar barely reaching the bag in time.<br /><br /><b>AllKillerNoPhiller</b>: Matsui has to settle for second place. Now here is Trot Nixon and he gets the WOAH Cabrera is down Cabrera has crashed!<br /><br /><b>WeAllPaulter</b>: He has crashed but he looks to be all right. <br /><br /><b>AllKillerNoPhiller</b>: Now Nixon is steaming around the bases, how is he doing it Paul?<br /><br /><b>WeAllPaulter</b>: I don't know how he's doing it, he's at second base but his legs are absolutely screaming in pain. The determination is etched on his face and you know that his body is telling him to stop but his mind won't let him. <br /><br /><b>AllKillerNoPhiller</b>: He's at third now. Can he possibly make it through all four bases?<br /><br /><b>WeAllPaulter</b>: I think he can, the throw isn't on its way yet. This is absolute torture for Trot Nixon. He's reaching deep into his suitcase of courage with this one.<br /><br /><b>AllKillerNoPhiller</b>: And he's home safely, what a sprint by Trot Nixon and the advantage is now eight runs!<br /><br /><b>WeAllPaulter</b>: It's still early, but eight runs is a big advantage at this stage of the game. I don't know if the Yankees can bring this one back. <br /><br /><b>AllKillerNoPhiller</b>: Jason Giambi was just hit by a pitch. Hats off to him for that, but sadly, he's never regained the form he had when he was playing in Oakland.<br /><br /><b>WeAllPaulter</b>: He's a fine supporting player but his superstar days as part of the action are over. He's playing in his own personal purgatory. <br /><br /><b>AllKillerNoPhiller</b>: Right you are, and now the lead has been stretched to eleven runs. I'm starting to think that these boys can stay away, Paul.<br /><br /><b>WeAllPaulter</b>: It will require a monumental effort by the Yankees to bring this one back. We're already halfway through the game and I think the Yankees have left the chase too late. <br /><br /><b>AllKillerNoPhiller</b>: David Wells is now in a spot of trouble, he's got two men on in the sixth. I can't believe he's still out there.<br /><br /><b>WeAllPaulter</b>: He's pitching on fumes now, going on nothing but courage, sheer courage. His left arm is exploding right now, it's telling him to stop, but he won't do it. But he wants to win. It will take all his energy, all the reserves that he has left. <br /><br /><b>AllKillerNoPhiller</b>: They'll have to watch out for the man wearing number 34, David Ortiz. He's launched a ball toward the stands and it's out, it's out! 17-1 Red Sox and I think Boston is going to take this one. They broke away in the first and nobody has been able to catch them. <br /><br /><b>WeAllPaulter</b>: It will be a great victory for the Red Sox, the 8313th victory in their storied career. The Yankees, however, are experiencing pure agony. They have to finish the game in their own personal hell. <br /><br /><b>AllKillerNoPhiller</b>: And David Wells is <i>still</i> out there! <br /><br /><b>WeAllPaulter</b>: He's putting his body through utter torture. His left arm has to be screaming in pain, it's saying "please, enough, I've had enough" but still he presses on. <br /><br /><b>AllKillerNoPhiller</b>: Finally, Wells steps aside in the eighth, he's given all he can for the team, now his work is done for the day.<br /><br /><b>WeAllPaulter</b>: It was seven innings of absolutely excruciating pain and agony for his body. He's gone through nothing but torment and debilitating, nightmarish suffering. But now it's over, and the Red Sox look they'll be able to hold off until the end.<br /><br /><b>AllKillerNoPhiller</b>: Tino Martinez lines out to end it, victory belongs to Boston, what a performance!<br /><br /><b>WeAllPaulter</b>: It certainly was.Barryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08766828980324641356noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1121437807501390872005-07-15T10:19:00.000-04:002005-07-15T10:30:44.296-04:00Show Me The Wins and I'll Show You the Money<img src="http://photos21.flickr.com/26113860_c245fb7dca_m.jpg" /><br /><br />I must have missed the memo -- the one that explained why the 2005 baseball season was shaping up to be the greatest year in the history of the game. Bud Selig couldn't stop talking about it during the All-Star Break. Everyday, he called a press conference or scheduled a TV interview to announce it. However, no season in which Barry Bonds hasn't played a single game can possibly be considered the greatest ever. Don't get me wrong though -- I don't want Bonds to come back, even though the game needs him now more than ever. Regardless, he should walk away from baseball and never come back. You see, Barry is standing in a very large room, and in that room is a white elephant. Clearly, this is all about racism, and if you don't know how or why, perhaps you'd better take a closer look at yourself.<br /><br />With or without Bonds, baseball is in serious trouble and the league needs to make several changes to keep the game strong. The international style of baseball that is played in places like Venezuela and the Dominican Republic is clearly superior to the American style. If you don't believe me, look no further than the spectacular performances by David Ortiz and Bobby Abreu in the home run derby. International stars are forcing the game to change, and they're changing it for the better. In turn, it is the league's responsibility to do something about the current salary structure, which clearly isn't working to the benefit of the fans or the players.<br /><br />The most important thing to a baseball fan is to see their team win. Fans don't care about home run contests or All-Star Games because those things aren't important. They want to see a brand of winning baseball on the field in their home city. The best way -- if not the only way -- to accomplish this is to tie salaries to wins. It's simple. At your workplace, if you do a good job, then you get a raise. If you're sick and need to stay home, then your work doesn't get done, your employer suffers, and you don't get paid. What could make more sense?<br /><br />Look at the NHL. Cancelling the 2004-5 season, contrary to what many people believe, is the best thing that could have happened to the game of hockey. The NHL is now in the enviable position of being able to institute some major changes before restarting play. We've heard about salary rollbacks, upping the number of playoff teams from 16 to 20, and many other proposed reforms. Everybody has an idea about improving the NHL and all this brainstorming can do nothing but benefit the game. Still, they need to take things to the next level and link player salaries to wins. Hockey is a physical game, and players who are motivated by money are more likely to play harder and lead their teams to victory. Players will put a little more muscle behind each shots if they know that it could mean the difference between a large and a small payday. These are the sorts of fan-friendly changes that will bring people back to the arenas, and the NHL needs every fan they can get because the last year has been devastating for the game of hockey. It's hard to imagine any league being in worse shape than the NHL is right now, and they need the support of their fans right now more than ever.<br /><br />MLB should take a page out of the NHL's book. Do you think the Yankees would have lost so many games earlier in the season if A-Rod was paid more money when the team won than when they lost? Derek Jeter would never stand for a Yankees' loss if his paycheck was on the line each and every day. At the other extreme, you have teams like the Royals and the Devil Rays. It's no wonder that a great manager like Lou Piniella can't get any wins out of the Devil Rays -- there's no incentive for his players to win with that miniscule $30 million payroll. Why should Jorge Cantu bust his butt when he's only making a few hundred thousand dollars per year? Are you truly surprised that the Rays are in last place again?<br /><br />Bud Selig is afraid. He wants to tell people how great this season has been and he has every reason to do so. Attendance figures are skyrocketing and the quality of play has been excellent. However, he's worried about criticism from fans and writers, who have been embarassing the commisioner by highlighting the glaring weaknesses in the way the game is played. The ball is in Selig's court, and he needs to act fast.<br /><br /><i>Jason Whitlock writes for the Kansas City Star and is an occasional contributor to E$PN's Page 2</i>Barryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08766828980324641356noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1121110215327536102005-07-11T15:25:00.000-04:002005-07-11T15:30:15.336-04:00World of Shame<img src="http://www.dallasobserver.com/issues/2004-08-12/news/news_2.gif".><br /><br />In its infinite wisdom, baseball, apparently taking a hint from that grand spectacle of athletics known as “futbol,” has decided that the 2005 Home Run Derby ought to feature an “international flavor.” Eight hitters will step up to the plate tonight, each from a different country that the average baseball fan couldn’t find on a map.<br /><br />Don’t get me wrong. After steroid-enhanced freaks like Mark McGwire and Brady Anderson turned the game into some sort of pill-popping WWF sideshow with their tight little biceps and medicine cabinets full of God knows what, baseball needed to do whatever it could to restore the former glory of the Midsummer Classic. But this? This isn’t a sideshow, it’s a freakshow. Minus the freaks. This so-called competition isn’t going to whet anybody’s appetites for next year’s World Baseball Classic any more than a Trinidad/Botswana soccer game is going to make me, Skip Bayless, shout “Olé!”<br /><br />This is the sissification of baseball, pure and simple. In the name of globalization, MLB has seemingly forgotten its roots. This is the national pastime. This isn’t some United Nations crap. There isn’t any need to concentrate on selling baseball to people who can’t even speak English.<br /><br />One of the hitters participating tonight is Andruw Jones, who hails from the tiny island nation of Curacao. Curacao? They couldn’t dig up some bum from Cuervo Nation while they were at it? The only other major leaguer currently hailing from that floating dock is Randall Simon. You may remember Simon as the sickening thug who took a bat to a young lady dressed up as a Braunschweiger during a Milwaukee sausage race. Andruw Jones could have torched an orphanage and he’d be a better face of baseball in Curacao than Randall Simon. Some competition you’ve got there, Andy.<br /><br />And then there’s Hee Seop Choi. Hee Seop Choi isn’t a guy who’s good enough to start for his own team against lefties. You mean to tell me he’s good enough to represent his entire country in international competition?<br /><br />The Koreans are wonderful people, and I’ve got nothing against them. But Hee Seop Choi isn’t fit to carry Ichiro’s jock, no matter how mindful MLB is of the game’s burgeoning popularity in Asia. Either the powers that be know something about Hee Seop Choi that Jim Tracy and Paul DePodesta don’t, or this decision was all about selling jerseys in Pyongyang, and not about giving baseball’s best a chance to shine.<br /><br />But it gets worse. The last time anybody cared about Panama, they were dragging that nut Noriega off to the slammer. Yet Carlos Lee, the best of an illustrious roster of Panamanian hitters that includes such stars as Jose Macias, Einar Diaz, and Olmedo Saenz, will be stepping up there and taking the rightful place of a deserving – ie. <i>American</i> - hitter. It’s a travesty. Who’s going to challenge for Jason Bay’s Canuck spot, anyway? Corey Koskie? Stubby Clapp?<br /><br />Look, the fact is this: if you take the best home run hitters in baseball right now, they don’t make a rainbow. American baseball players – American baseball <i>fans</i> - will have to make do with Texas’ own Mark Teixeira as their sole representative. Nobody denies his talent, but dozens of deserving American hitters will get the shaft.<br /><br />You can’t polish a turd like Hee Seop Choi and call it the Silver Slugger. And so, instead of an exciting Home Run Derby, we’re primed for another yawner, as a bunch of little guys with funny names hit a bunch of 310-foot loopers.<br /><br />Let’s hope there’s a tailwind in Detroit tonight. We’re gonna need it.<br /><br /><i>Skip Bayless is a columnist for E$PN and a frequent correspondent on the hit E$PN2 morning show "Cold Pizza." In 1978, he was disqualified from the Texas regionals of the Mr. Universe pageant for punching out a fellow contestant who argued that barbecue was the same as grilling, and he’d gladly do it again. Look for his upcoming book, “No Way, Jose: How the Bash Brothers Ruined Baseball” in Vitamin Shoppes and finer truck stops near you.</i>Danielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01199871869384538151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1121058931221838272005-07-11T00:52:00.000-04:002005-07-11T01:30:06.876-04:00About Face<img src="http://photos10.flickr.com/12505900_a9645fe2d1_o.jpg" /><br /><br />It should have been a laugher. A formality. The most celebrated team leader of his generation versus his hobbled teammate, a glorified singles hitter who steals the occasional base, and a couple of other guys who don't matter. After being cruelly and inexplicably ignored by his fellow American League fans and players, it was a virtual certainty that when all the smoke had cleared, Derek Jeter, better known as <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/columns/story?columnist=kurkjian_tim&id=2073780">The Face of Baseball</a>, would emerge as the Last Man Standing.<br /><br />But it wasn't to be. At the time, all that remained were plenty of questions, with precious few answers.<br /><br />For me personally, it has been a week for pause and reflection. My first reaction to Podsednik's selection was one of numb grief. Afterward, my emotions moved into more unsettling territory, as I was overcome with an intense anger that profoundly frightened both me and my family. Soon enough, this led me toward acceptance -- an understanding of what baseball fans had done and why they had done it.<br /><br />Finally, it was time for reflection. Baseball is an infallible game, that much is axiomatic. The joys of your home team's 9th inning walk-off homers and the crushing heartbreak of their bases-loaded strikeouts could never carry such emotional heft if baseball were a fallible game. One of us had made a mistake -- it was either me, or it was the game of baseball. And it had to be me.<br /><br />All my logic was therefore false. It follows that everything I thought I knew about baseball was wrong. Therefore, the opposite of my previous thoughts had to be true. With this realization, I was euphoric once again, for I was on the way to recovering an understanding of the game of baseball. The perfect, unblemished game of baseball.<br /><br />Alex Rodriguez, Jeter's much maligned teammate, is the greatest player in the game today. By being a bratty, selfish man-bitch, he improves his team immeasurably. His frosty demeanor stokes the five senses of everyone who plays with him, thereby raising their level of play. Jeter's level-headed, "team first" attitude casts a pall over his clubhouse, for a team that cannot play with emotion is a team that cannot win ball games. It's no wonder that the Yankees are struggling this year.<br /><br />The game of baseball is constantly evolving, but one thing has always remained constant: each era is defined by its prominent players, not its most successful teams. This is because team dynasties are fairly rare, whereas colorful characters are always in abundance. Barry Bonds is one of the greatest players ever and his perpetually sour disposition says everything that his numbers can't, or won't. Mark McGwire may have lacked eccentricity, but he made up for it in spades with the persistent andro/steroid rumours, thereby cementing his place in baseball lore. Controversy is a surefire mark of a legendary player. Yankee owner George Steinbrenner, whose Yankees have won six World Series under the watchful eye of his checkbook and his private investigators, would surely agree.<br /><br />Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle aren't legends because of their long home runs and countless pennant victories. Mantle's legend was cemented by his unquenchable thirst for potent potables in addition to his thirst for expansion-era AL pitching. Ruth is fondly remembered today because his hunger for home runs was equal to his hunger for pussy and 18-egg omelettes. What does Jeter hunger for? "He hungers for nothing" remarked one former Yankee. "He dated Mariah Carey but wouldn't make a big deal of it because he refused to turn his personal life into tabloid fodder. He never said anything about her to the boys, either. It was like he didn't trust us. At the time, it really hurt our sense of team unity".<br /><br />Jeter's style both on and off the field is one of cold efficiency. He only speaks out in the press when his team is struggling. He never says a word when the Yankees play well, but as soon as their quality of play slips, he's quoted in the papers, flatly saying "we need to play better". He's the players' equivalent of the worst type of sports fan, namely, the front runner -- a person who cheers when his team wins, and boos when they lose. Someone like Jose Lima is the opposite of Jeter in this regard. Lima's personality is constant, steady, and consistent. Whether he's throwing complete game playoff wins or contracting STD's in his spare time, he always behaves the same way. Lima is genuine. Jeter isn't real, he's a masquerader. Lima is a character. Jeter is an actor. The importance of such characters in baseball cannot be overstated. There's a reason that we remember Moe Drabowsky and Bobo Holloman, but have forgotten about Bob Feller and Hal Newhouser.<br /><br />Jeter is so aloof that he calls his manager "Mr. Torre". "His pretentious formalism really got on everybody's nerves" said Arizona pitcher Javier Vasquez, who pitched one year (2004) with the Yankees. "When there is a dispute in the clubhouse, you need a leader that can relate to everyone and help people work out their problems. Who would want to confide in somebody who's so emotionally distant that he can't even call people by their first names?".<br /><br />On the field, he's a bundle of wasted energy that can be easily mistaken for a man of hustle. "He runs hard down to first base with every at-bat", says E$PN broadcaster Dan Shulman, "but for what? David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez don't do that, and they have a lot more RBI's than Jeter does. If he spent less energy hustling down to first then he might have more energy left with which to swing the bat".<br /><br />"And what about that face-first dive into the stands last year in Boston?" continued Shulman. "He could have smashed his head open. How would that have helped his team? It just goes to show that Jeter is famous for all the wrong reasons. Jim Edmonds makes three catches like that in nearly every game".<br /><br />None of this should surprise anyone who has followed Jeter's career closely. He's been like this his entire life. Even in high school, his parents made sure he was home by 10 PM every night, thereby teaching the young man how to hate fun. His early curfew ensured that he would grow up without any cool friends, a reputation which has remained with him to this day as the black sheep of the Yankee clubhouse. His parents taught him the wrong lessons at the wrong time, and now, he's messed with Scott Podsednik at the wrong time. That is why, during this Tuesday's All-Star Game, I'll be cheering even louder than usual every time Podsenik is on first with second base open.<br /><br /><i>Tim Kurkjian is a senior writer for E$PN The Magazine and a frequent contributor to Baseball Tonight.</i>Barryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08766828980324641356noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1120846544654003392005-07-08T14:12:00.000-04:002005-07-11T01:54:47.620-04:00Foulke Implosion<img src="http://photos14.flickr.com/14274144_d7dce165bc_o.gif"><br /><br />Keith Foulke already found out all about the barbecue in Birmingham. Maybe this time, he can tell us about the Burger King in Brighton. <br /><br />Or Braintree. <br /><br />Or Bridgewater. <br /><br />Or Brockton. <br /><br />For as sure as he ventured to Alabama in search of better ribs than Redbones’, Foulke’s coming back to Boston for knee surgery, his season hanging by a thread flimsier than his ACL. He’s made no secret of his disaffection for the local cuisine – or at least, for the people who cook and serve it, pay good money to come to Fenway, and ostensibly cheer him on, and all without the benefit of a free truck for blowing a bunch of hot air on the radio – but he stands to eat quite a lot of it while he rehabs and tries to throw another meaningful inning for the Red Sox.<br /><br />Wasn’t Foulke supposed to be the the antithesis of the sort of professional prima donna that the Boston brass had run out on a rail along with Trader Dan Duquette and He Who Must Not Be Named? Foulke’s antics make you long for the days of Dante Bichette and Jose Awfulman – never mind Jurassic Carl and the Dominican Diva himself. Keith Foulke was supposed to be different. Here we had a hard-nosed workhorse, a man of the people. As a lights-out closer for the White Sox and A’s, he was supposed to solve the problems that plagued Boston’s relief corps in years past.<br /><br />Yet this wasn’t just a slow start, like he experienced in 2004. When blown save after blown save began piling up, when it was obvious that Foulke was serving more meatballs than Bertucci’s to the dregs of the division, the questions began again in earnest. <br /><br />The true Sox fan can be forgiven for holding Foulke accountable for his team’s bullpen struggles lately. After all, Alan Embree and John Halama have been lousy all year. Matt Mantei pitched through his injuries until they became too much to bear. The difference is this: when confronted, they took responsibility for their own failings. What did Foulke say?<br /><br />"I'm more embarrassed to walk into this locker room and look at the faces of my teammates, than I am to walk out and see Johnny from Burger King booing me."<br /><br />By the next day, he had the Internet going nuts. Rarely has a player fallen out of favor so quickly in Boston, this most mercurial of baseball burgs – even Bob Stanley managed to avoid this kind of alienation after his famous anti-fan screed in 1986. You expected to see #29 jerseys burning in effigy in the Twins store, little kids in the suburbs quitting hockey (as if they still remember what it was) in order to further distance themselves from the disgraced Phoenix Coyotes fan. Right now, his postseason heroics – that single earned run in fourteen innings – seem like ancient history.<br /><br />You can still stick a fork in the rest of the AL East. Just as the sun will rise tomorrow over that BK in Beverly, the Yankees, Orioles, Jays, and Rays will lie withering under the heat lamp like so many of yesterday’s Croissan’wiches. But Foulke needs to realize that the guy opening up that Burger King – good ol’ Johnny, the guy who pays his salary – won’t be gripping grain in the extended-cab Dodge Ram Foulke gets for a half-hour of his time every Friday on WEEI. If we’re looking for heroes, look no further than the fast-food joints. Don’t expect to find one on the Fenway mound in the top of the ninth. <br /><br />We ought to wish him the best in his rehab; when healthy, there are few closers in the game who are better. But with a healthy knee, let’s hope he gets an attitude adjustment as well. We’ll welcome you back to Fenway with open arms, but it takes grinding to be a king, Keith Foulke. Don’t forget that. <br /><br /><i>Dan Shaughnessy is a frequent contributor to ESPN the Magazine.</i>Danielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01199871869384538151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1120660447831524532005-07-06T10:28:00.000-04:002005-07-06T10:34:07.840-04:00The Fix Is In<img src="http://photos18.flickr.com/24050484_94dd303fa1_m.jpg" /><br /><br />Over the weekend, baseball history was made with eleven first-time starters voted into next week's All-Star game. Unfortunately, what should be a watershed moment in the lore of our national pastime has been ruined by Republican corruption.<br /><br />This season, Mark Teixeira emerged as a credible candidate for the starting job at first base. On the face of things, Teixeira's election was an easy one, as he cruised to victory by more than half a million votes. But Teixeira's election was hardly a fair vote, as evidenced by his connection to the Texas Rangers, and in turn to its former owner and our current president George W. Bush.<br /><br />The voting record bears out the damning evidence of vote tampering, if not outright voter fraud. First of all, Teixeira was lucky in that he was aided by vote splitting, as the northeast vote was split between Kevin Millar and Tino Martinez. The lack of unification among the voters in New England and New York was a great help to Teixeira. Secondly, exit polls showed that that Millar may have drawn up to 20% of the 1B vote in Texas, but once the ballots were counted, he only garnered 45 000 total votes in the Bush family's home state. Potentially hundreds of thousands of Millar votes have gone unaccounted for, and with ballot box irregularities reported in Houston, Lubbock and Montague counties, the evidence of tampering is too obvious to ignore. Indeed, White House fingerprints are currently staining many a ballot box in more than one Texas ballpark.<br /> <br />Furthermore, the All-Star rosters were to be announced at 7PM Sunday on E$PN. However, at 6:57 PM that same night, Fox News made their own announcement and declared that certain American Leaguers had been elected to their positions before that information had been confirmed by E$PN. In addition, the employee at Fox News who gave the official go-ahead to reveal these results on air just happened to be the fourth cousin twice removed of the president's grand-uncle's illegitimate son Hezekiah H. Bush.<br /><br />The sad thing is, Teixeira is a worthy All-Star candidate who might have been elected even without GOP interference. Now we'll never know what might have happened in a fair election. However, it's just like Karl Rove to organize this sort of scam while the country's attention is diverted toward George W. Bush's role in the upcoming G8 meeting in Edinburgh. Shame! Shame on you, Mr. Bush.<br /><br />The National League has not been exempt from these types of shady backroom deals with prominent baseball-affiliated neocons. Roger Clemens wields tremendous influence in the baseball commissioner's office due to his well-publicized connections within the NRA. Concerted lobbying by Clemens and high-ranking NRA officials in the Houston-area resulted in Roy Oswalt's inclusion on the "Last Man" ballot, ahead of more deserving non-partisan candidates such as the Cardinals' Matt Morris. Over the weekend, I paid an unannounced visit to Clemens' Houston home to demand answers from the gun-toting future Hall of Famer. Sadly, I had forgotten about the Astros' road trip to Cincinnati, and was therefore unable to speak with Mr. Clemens. However, on my way out, I left a photograph of Matt Morris in his mailbox. Mr. Clemens' actions carry heavy consequences, causing real hurt to real people. Perhaps once he looks at that photo and gazes into the eyes of Matt Morris, he will start to understand this. Where has your humanism gone, Mr. Clemens? Shame!<br /><br />Congratulations to the thousands of you who faxed, called, and wrote to Bud Selig's office to voice your objections to the decidedly corrupt All-Star Game voting process. Thanks to hard-working citizens such as yourselves, the integrity of our country's national pastime is not lost. Rest assured that your voice is being heard in the hallowed halls of the baseball commissioner's office. The Republicans know that we're onto their tricks, and they're running scared. Your efforts to reunite the game of baseball with its lost pride will never be forgotten.Barryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08766828980324641356noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1120583452635591412005-07-05T13:04:00.000-04:002005-07-05T13:37:01.073-04:00Jenkins Variations<img src="http://photos18.flickr.com/23803736_84fe8c51c4_o.jpg"><br /><br />"<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/05/sports/baseball/05mets.html">When the ninth inning</a> rolled around yesterday and the score was tied, the largest crowd this season stood as if victory had become an inalienable right, as if the concept of defeat was unpatriotic...To upstage another New York team 37 years later would be like an extra scoop of ice cream on a piece of apple pie." - Lee Jenkins, <i>The New York Times</i>, July 5, 2005.<br /><br />To upstage another New York team 37 years later would be like an extra yellow ribbon magnet on the bumper of an H2 Hummer. <br /><br />Carlos Beltran's substandard play this season is an act of treason tantamount to Richard Clarke's scorched-earth book tour against the War on Terror.<br /><br />At his initial press conference with the Kansas City media, manager Buddy Bell should have eschewed Royal blue for one of two costumes: Angus Scrimm's dark tall couture, or a William Howard Taft fat suit.<br /><br />From their lofty perch atop the AL Central, the Chicago White Sox are baseball's own shining city on the hill, with a bullpen built on rocks stronger than oceans.<br /><br />You would find more support in the Reds clubhouse for John Wilkes Booth and Sirhan Sirhan than you would for Dave Miley and Don Gullett.<br /><br />After being released by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, Alex Sanchez heeded the call of Lady Liberty, moving west like the great pioneers to claim his center field homestead in San Francisco.<br /><br />As Yankees fans rained boos on Sammy Sosa on Monday night, they proved that they do not merely hate him, they do so because of his prosperity, achievement, and thus, the very freedom he represents.<br /><br />The fireworks on the Mall were not the only ones on display last night; indeed, Jose Reyes played shortstop as if he had lost several fingers in a sparkler accident.<br /><br />With JD Drew's unfortunate - but not unexpected - injury this weekend, the second of the Dodgers' Twin Towers finally, predictably, collapsed, as did the hopes for a winning season from Dem Bums. Chavez Ravine now sits as barren and wasted as Ground Zero as fans and front office personnel pick through the rubble of a tragic baseball campaign, wondering how things went so wrong so fast.<br /><br />Along with baseball, democracy is that which makes America great - and there is no more vital display of the democratic process in our sport than the Ameriquest All-Star Final Vote. Not only does Derek Jeter lead the league in intangibles, but by dint of his leadership, motivational skills, championship experience, stellar defensive prowess, All-American good looks, toothpaste smile, and erstwhile relationship with America's songbird Mariah Carey, whose platinum album "The Emancipation of Mimi" is available in better record stores near you, he is the only rational choice for the American League 30th man. Exercise your vote, America. I urge you to vote Derek Jeter to his rightful place as his nation's All-Star ambassador - from sea to shining sea!Danielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01199871869384538151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1120249987669855312005-07-01T16:30:00.000-04:002005-07-01T19:25:40.123-04:00Pay Rickey<img src="http://photos14.flickr.com/18201396_50c683e8a3_o.jpg"><br /><br />If you don't know, life in the minors is different from life in the big leagues. In the big leagues, you're eatin' steak every night, sometimes with shrimp on it or that sauce that Rickey can't spell the name of. In the minor leagues, dudes get like $10 a day in meal money. $10! Even in the clubhouse, they don't have any Gatorade, just this no-name stuff they bought at the dollar store with all this Russian writing on it and all these weird flavors nobody ever heard of. You ever try to drink an orange-parsnip Gatorade?<br /><br />In the big leagues, you're doing Sunday Conversations and sh-t, and later you go to Scores, and you always stick Karl Ravech with the check. In the minors, you're hanging out at the airport Holiday Inn waiting for some girl named Starlene to get off third shift. And then there's this host family. Rickey gets paid in the minors, but Rickey don't get paid a lot, so to offset the costs all the Surf Dawgs stay with families in the suburbs. <br /><br />Anyway, Rickey's host family is always conspirin' against him and sh-t. "Do the dishes, Rickey!" "Eat your carrots, Rickey!" Rickey Henderson is the major league leader in runs scored! Rickey told them that one night, and they were all, "Rickey, you better run this trash out to the curb before the garbage truck gets here!"<br /><br />It ain't Rickey's fault that he's always coolin' in the basement with that corny little punk Trevor and the Xbox. They got air-conditioning down there! And "Halo 2"! Rickey was beatin' that kid's ass one night, and Trevor got all mad and started to cry, and Rickey, being Rickey, got up in his face. "You just jealous! You just ain't as good as Rickey! You ain't the greatest leadoff hitter of all time! What, you scared? You scared of Rickey!" Then that kid ran up the stairs, and down came his parents, looking all serious and sh-t.<br /><br />So they sat Rickey down and said, "Rickey, we just don't think you're doing enough to earn your keep." Rickey was ready to fall out! Then they were all, "Maybe you should get a second job - it'll get you out of the house, and you can chip in for food and utilities."<br /><br />Maybe they was just mad. Rickey was chilling in the basement one day, watching "Days of our Lives," and the phone rang.<br /><br />"Hello, this is Deion from DirecTV."<br /><br />Rickey was all, "Deion? Prime Time?" It's amazing what those football dudes will do for an extra buck. So Deion and Rickey were catching up, talking about the old days, and Deion said, "Do you know you can save 30% off the cost of cable and get, like, nine ESPNs if you sign up for satellite?"<br /><br />Damn! That's a lot of ESPNs! Rickey didn't have to think twice about that. So a few days later, Rickey's host dad was all like, "What happened to BBC America?" And host mom said, "And what about the Lifetime Movie Network?" Rickey was watching some Denise Austin aerobics video from 1991 on ESPN Classic 2 at the time, but they didn't seem too interested in watching her switch that ass.<br /><br />So maybe that's what they meant by paying the utilities.<br /><br />See, the thing about being the greatest left fielder of all time is that you aren't really prepared for a career in the working world. Work experience? Rickey ain't experienced in sh-t but getting on base, stealing second, stealing third, and scoring mad runs. Rickey ain't gonna work at no car wash. So I'm sitting at Jack in the Box, eating them 99 cent tacos and getting my Pennysaver on, when I finally go, "I got it! I'ma apply for this job as a player/coach for a softball team!"<br /><br />Just you wait. Rickey's gonna get paid.Danielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01199871869384538151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1120142526937114162005-06-30T10:30:00.000-04:002005-06-30T11:06:24.863-04:00Phanatics in our Midst<img src="http://photos18.flickr.com/22494187_e5a84a40e3_o.jpg" width=320><br /><br />As you know, ordinary American citizens play a vital role in the War on Terror. It is often only by the watchful eye and diligent reporting of true patriots that terrorism is squelched on these shores before it has a chance to strike.<br /><br />Earlier today, federal agents raided the locker room at beautiful new Citizens Bank Park. At first, everything seemed in its place, but their attention was drawn to a distinct ovular shape concealed under the clubhouse rug. There, along with subversive literature, they found detailed blueprints of the Liberty Bell and enough ammonium nitrate fertilizer to reduce historic downtown Philadelphia to a smoldering heap. Indeed, the culprit was quickly apprehended - the team's own mascot, shown here in a file photo.<br /><br /><img src="http://photos18.flickr.com/22494186_a018d88362.jpg" align="right">Not even President Bush could have suspected that the Phillie Phanatic would be an actual fanatic. But while this lovable green goofball has entertained millions over the years, he has harbored sinister intentions against his own country. As an embedded agent of Al Qaeda, the Phanatic proves to us all that terrorism is an ongoing threat in this great nation.<br /><br />Where did he learn to hate America? I don't know. But now that he languishes in a holding cell at Guantanamo Bay, the Phillie Phanatic will never harm an innocent, defenseless American. In this new age of terrorism, fanaticism - phanaticism, if you will - can take many forms, and we must all be as vigilant as Mr. Met in combatting the dangerous threat of Al Qaeda. Along with Mr. Met, I am gathered here today with Wally the Green Monster, the San Diego Chicken, Sluggerrr the Lion, the Mariner Moose, Bernie Brewer, Billy the Marlin, and even Youppi! the orange thing to announce the formation of a baseball outreach program: Mascots United Against Terror.<br /><br />These lovable mascots will serve as goodwill ambassadors for the sweeping set of anti-terrorism laws soon to be approved by the Senate. Americans can once again sleep soundly knowing that their homes are securely protected - and these smiling mascots will introduce the new rule changes in a nationwide ad campaign to start this fall. <br /><br />No clubhouse peanut vendor, stadium organist, radio announcer, parking attendant, or disgruntled right fielder is beyond suspicion these days. Therefore, my fellow Americans, if you see something, say something. It isn't just a good idea. According to Section 215(d) of the Patriot Act, it'll soon be the law.<br /><br /><i>Dr. Condoleezza Rice is the United States Secretary of State and an avid Washington Nationals fan.</i>Danielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01199871869384538151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1120056927814001932005-06-29T10:49:00.000-04:002005-06-29T11:44:06.063-04:00The Physics of Baseball 3: "Throwing Strikes and Breaking Bones"<img src="http://www.mercer.edu/publications/InsideMercer/MarApr99/3Adair.jpg" /><br /><br />I recently returned from a conference in Europe, where all of the continent is busily anticipating this year's installment of the Tour de France. It is not only the world's physically demanding race, but is also the finest and most elegant example of raw physics at work in modern sport. The bicycle -- the simplicity of its operation, the gear-ratio dependent torque of the pedals with respect to its drive train, the affect of the decelerating force of gravity as the muscled riders struggle to climb the 6.9% average grade of the Col du Galibier -- is the ideal athletic manifiestion of the poetry of Newton's Laws of Motion as they apply to the science of athletics.<br /><br />Unfortunately, here in America, professional cycling is less popular than cold fusion and therefore it is pointless for me to waste my time writing about that great sport. Luckily, the art of throwing a baseball presents us with a representation of the poetry of physics that is nearly as beautiful as the art of pedal-pushing. Both involve the application of exteme force to an inanimate object through the use of a bodily appendage. When a baseball is gripped tightly and the arm is thrust forward in a robust throwing motion, it is possible to impart significant momentum to the ball and propel it forward at speeds up to 44.7 meters/second, or 100 miles/hour in layman's units. A related problem involves moving an empty hand (or foot) at high velocity toward a very large object in an attempt to impart momentum to it despite its considerable mass. This is precisely the situation encountered by Major League pitchers Kenny Rogers and Oliver Perez during this past week.<br /><br />By now, you have no doubt heard about the <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2095825">interaction between Rogers' hand and a water cooler</a>, as well as the one between <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2096137">Perez's foot and a laundry cart </a>. In fact, such instances are nothing new to the game of baseball, as evidenced most recently by Kevin Brown's well-publicized interaction with a clubhouse wall in the middle of last year's pennant race. Let us consider the physical kinetics and dynamics that were at play in an attempt to assign a measure of risk to the actions of both Rogers and Perez.<br /><br />Rogers' pitches travel at speeds approaching 40 meters/second. However, it would be presumptuous to assume that Rogers' hand is capable of throwing a punch at exactly that speed. For instance, in this case he punched with his non-throwing hand, which is surely slower and less coordinated than the hand with which he pitches. Furthermore, he was not throwing this punch from a mound, which further decreased his maximum attainable punch velocity. Using reductions of 38% for the non-throwing hand and 22% for the lack of a punching mound, we can decuce that Rogers' punch travelled at a maximum speed of 19.3 meters/second.<br /><br />My unpublished 2003 study of the coefficient of restitution of MLB water coolers revealed that the average clubhouse water cooler is very hard indeed. When striking such an object (typical mass = 30 kg), there is very little "give" to the surface of the cooler. Unfortunately, I am unaware of a similar study of laundry carts in typical MLB clubhouses. However, I am quite certain that the mass of said carts, particularly when filled with the large daily allowance of laundry that is expected from a baseball club, exceed that of the water coolers. Such carts are likely constructed from plastic or metal of a similar hardness to that of the water coolers. Therefore, for the purposes of this calculation, we can approximate both the laundry cart and the water cooler as spheres with coefficients of restitution less than 0.1. This spherical approximation simplifies matters quite considerably, and greatly reduces the complexity of the calculations. Similarly, we can also approximate Rogers' hand and Perez's foot as spheres. Thus, summarizing our approximations diagrammatically, we have:<br /><br /><img src="http://photos15.flickr.com/22314439_37f057522c_t.jpg" /> <span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:180%;" >=</span> <img src="http://photos15.flickr.com/22314438_8f181093ba_t.jpg" /> <span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:180%;" >=</span> <img src="http://photos17.flickr.com/22314437_c55f4f906a_t.jpg" /><br /><br />and<br /><br /><img src="http://photos17.flickr.com/22315697_f570e28031_t.jpg" /> <span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:180%;" >=</span> <img src="http://photos15.flickr.com/22315696_2b404a70cf_t.jpg" /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:180%;" >=</span> <img src="http://photos17.flickr.com/22314437_c55f4f906a_t.jpg" /><br /><br />It should be obvious that the masses of the cart and cooler are considerably larger than those of the hand and foot. Along with the very low "give" of these materials, we can easily solve the conservation of momentum and energy equations. Well, it is easy for me and anyone else with a university physics degree. For those of you who have not had this honor bestowed upon you, you simply need to trust my intellect on this matter. The end result is that, unsurprisingly, the cart/cooler barely moves when struck. The collision is highly inelastic, with a considerable amount of impact energy being absorbed by the fist or foot.<br /><br />Armed with this information, we can now investigate the possibility of physical correlations between punching a water cooler and the risk of serious injury. A fist speed of 19.3 meters/second results in an impact force of 17 000 Newtons. Assuming that the cross-sectional area of Kenny Rogers' fist is equal to that of my own, we find that the pressure exerted during impact is 2.57 megaPascals. This is considerably larger than the 1.2 MPa compression fracture threshold for bones in the human hand. As for the big toe, its higher volume to surface area ratio (in comparison to the wee pinky finger of the hand) suggests a higher fracture threshold. However, the act of kicking produces lower cross-sectional impact areas than the pugility of punching, and therefore the impact pressure is expected to be higher, probably in the 4.0 - 4.5 MPa range and well above the predicted fracture threshold for toe bones in the human foot.<br /><br />In simpler, more direct terms, we can conclusively state the following: punching a water cooler hurts like a b*tch. The same is true of kicking a laundry cart. We can furthermore conclusively state that both Rogers and Perez are douchebags. Clearly they had nothing to gain through their actions, for both the laws of physics and the principles of common sense were working strongly against them. In the future, big league pitchers would do well to consult with local physicists before attempting such acts of thuggery.<br /><br />As always, I look forward to revisiting this blog and enlightening your understanding of our national pastime through the magic of physics. Until then, please join with me in rooting for Der Kaiser, Jan Ullrich. The Tour de France is ready for a new King!Barryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08766828980324641356noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1119827131484412692005-06-26T18:48:00.000-04:002005-06-26T19:05:31.503-04:00Sunday Night Baseball Preview<i>We originally planned to feature an exclusive </i>Sunday Night Baseball<i> preview with Joe Morgan and Jon Miller. However, unforseen to those of us at </i>Yard Work<i>, we ran into Anna Benson in the Yankee Stadium press box and were unable to resist her charms! Model, actress, mother, and socialite, Anna always has time for interacting with her fans. On the afternoon of husband Kris' start against the Bronx Bombers, Anna offered her own unique </i>Sunday Night Baseball<i> preview.</i><br /><br /><img src="http://photos17.flickr.com/21406656_fac3e1a45e_m.jpg" /><br /><br />The "Bronx Bombers"? I don't know about that, but I'm getting bombed in the Bronx right now! I'm already on my fourth cosmopolitan and the game doesn't start for more than three hours! That's OK, because Kris doesn't drink on the days he pitches so I have to drink for the both of us. But after Kris gets his win, we can get smashed together, go home and screw each other's brains out!<br /><br />We're always very busy on the days Kris pitches. We woke up early today and I was feeling a little horny but my husband has a strict "no sex" rule on the days he pitches because he doesn't want to tire himself out. So I had to take my neck massager and disappear into the bathroom for a while! Ooooh! By the time I was finished, Kris was having breakfast with the kids.<br /><br />He left the house at around ten and went to the stadium to work out and go over the Yankee hitters with his coaches. I don't really understand those pitching charts. I keep telling him that he should keep it simple and pitch everybody the same way. When he pitches to me in bed, he always throws the hard heat inside. If it works for him in the bedroom, then why shouldn't it also work on the baseball diamond?<br /><br />Since we had a few hours to kill, I took the kids downtown and we spent a whole load of Daddy's money. I don't even remember what we spent it on, because I had two Manhattans with my lunch. Get it? We were in Manhattan, so I drank Manhattans! I think I bought the 4" heels that I'm wearing right now. After shopping we all came to the ballpark. Last I saw the kids, they were climbing all over the man at the soda machine and were drinking Dr. Pepper like it was water. I think they've gone to run around on the field now. They get so excited when their Daddy pitches!<br /><br />I guess I should say something about the Yankees. Both the Yankees and the Mets have won 37 games this year, which means the winner of tonight's game will be the champion of New York! Friday was a great game with all the "who's your Daddy" chants. Pedro showed them who the real Daddy was. Pedro is the Big Daddy. He might have been the little Daddy when he played in Boston, but he's the Big Daddy now. He's bigger than ever. Of course, I only have one Big Daddy and that's my man. When I'm bad, I get sent to my room and my Big Daddy gives me a spanking!<br /><br />Tonight, Kris is pitching against "The Big Unit". Haha, I know what you're thinking, but even I won't make a joke about that -- my mouth isn't <b>that</b> foul! It's a very important game, but I have all the confidence in the world in my man. But no matter what happens, even if he doesn't beat Randy Johnson, I'll be randy for beating his johnson once we get home!<br /><br />Enjoy the game! I know I will!Barryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08766828980324641356noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1119475106848902602005-06-22T16:50:00.000-04:002005-06-22T18:07:11.286-04:00More Cowbell Than You Will Ever Need IV -- All-Star Edition ... Continued! (Now with MORE Mailbag!!)<img src="http://photos7.flickr.com/11363143_0707bdad46.jpg" /><br /><br />Following up from <a href="http://baseballtonight.blogspot.com/2005/06/more-cowbell-than-you-will-ever-need.html">last week's column </a>, here are my 2005 All-Star candidates from the National League:<br /><br /><u>C: Ramon Hernandez, San Diego</u>. Mike Piazza is now a 36-year old gimpy catcher which means he's no longer an automatic selection, so I'm going with the sentimental choice and picking Hernandez. He was responsible for the single most shocking play I've witnessed in the past five years, namely, his bunt to win Game 1 of the 2003 ALDS against the Red Sox. <i>Nobody</i> saw that coming. A catcher? Bunting for a game-winning single? In the 12th inning? In the playoffs? A catcher for the bunt-shy Oakland A's bunting for a game-winning single in the 12th inning of a playoff game? I was so stunned, I sat motionless on my couch, staring blankly at the TV screen for 25 minutes. Then I called my dad, and you know what? He'd been staring blankly at his TV screen for 25 minutes also. This was the baseball equivalent of Kim beating Lex and Ethan on the final immunity challenge on "Survivor:Africa". Who would have expected a 55-year old grandmother to stand motionless on a narrow pedestal in the blistering heat and outlast two guys half her age that had dominated the game for weeks? You would have bet your house against her without giving it a second thought. That's what watching Hernandez's bunt was like.<br /><br />Of course, I can be sentimental about this only because the Sox came back from 2-0 down to win the series, going on to face the Yankees and ... well, let's stop the trip down memory lane right there.<br /><br /><u>1B: Derrek Lee, Chicago.</u> Who else? Pujols and Delgado are having great seasons, while Bagwell has finally succombed to the karma of being traded from Boston for Larry Andersen. The trade was horrendous, but you don't see a World Series banner flying in Houston, do you? And can it possibly be a coincidence that Bagwell's career has been snuffed out by a bizarre shoulder injury almost immediately following a Red Sox championship win?<br /><br />Derrek Lee's impact on the Cubs has been incalculable. When Heather Locklear started on "Melrose Place", it was a struggling show that would have been cancelled in a year or two. She transformed it into a huge hit and a staple of 90's TV culture. One new cast member completely overehauled an entire TV show. That's what Derrek Lee has done with the Cubs the last couple of years. It's the same impact that Curt Schilling had when he joined the Red Sox, in that he turned a team of frustrating losers into a club of loveable winners. Of course, the comparison isn't fully deserved unless Lee can get the Cubs to the World Series, securing his place in the baseball pantheon in the process. But right now, Lee is the most dangerous hitter in baseball. Every time he comes to the plate in a late-inning pressure situation, he does something remarkable. Even if Bonds was playing this season and was duplicating his 2001-4 numbers, Lee would still be my MVP. He's that good.<br /><br /><u>2B: Jeff Kent, Los Angeles; SS: Felipe Lopez, Cincinatti</u>. Kent has been mashing the ball and is displaying the form that won him the MVP in 2000, so he's an obvious choice. Lopez is having notable season for a shortstop, but I'm sure you've noticed that all the voting results in both leagues are slanted toward players from big-market teams such as Boston, New York, LA and St. Louis. Voting for Lopez is my way of distributing the vote to teams that generally go unrecognized. Regardless, this particular vote isn't worth agonizing over because the only thing that matters is the AL winning this game so that the Sox can open the World Series at home, and who starts at shortstop for the NL isn't going to figure into who wins or loses the All-Star Game. It's like the first person out of eighteen to get voted off of "Survivor" -- they have to show up to the reunion show for completeness' sake, even though they didn't figure into the outcome of the series. Not to mention that nobody watching at home (besides their families) knows enough about their personalities to care about them.<br /><br />Unfortunately, it's looking like soft-hitting Dodgers shortstop Cesar Izturis will win the vote, which means on July 12, during the pre-game introductions, we'll be watching the debut of the Cesar Izturis "I'm Only Here Because One Guy Ripped His Groin Apart and Another Guy Fell Down Carrying Deer Meat" Face.<br /><br /><u>3B: David Wright, New York</u>. Sometimes it's nice to vote for a guy on New York's non-devil worshipping team. Wright is a breakout star and he deserves a chance to get some All-Star attention.<br /><br /><u>OF: Ken Griffey Jr, Cincinnati; Bobby Abreu, Philadelphia; Miguel Cabrera, Florida</u><br /><br />Several Marlins players are having great individual seasons so I felt that I needed a Florida player on my ballot. Nonetheless, you have to wonder how a team with Lowell, Cabrera, Delgado, D-Train, and Beckett can be playing .500 baseball in June. In particular, Delgado is an interesting case: we keep hearing about how good he is, how well he's made the adjustment to a new league, and that he's a future Hall of Famer. However, in eleven prior seasons, he's never been to the playoffs. On top of that, this year he joined a club that won the World Series two years ago and their record has gotten worse with him there. Does that sound like a Hall of Famer to you? Did Larry Bird ever miss the playoffs in his prime? Despite his yearly chokejob in the playoffs, did Karl Malone's teams ever play .500 ball? Say what you will about Alex Rodriguez, but even he took the Mariners to the playoffs a couple of times. So you really have to wonder what's going on in South Florida.<br /><br />Against all conventional logic, Ken Griffey Jr. has returned to form and is putting up his best numbers in years to go along with his usual highlight-reel play in center field. What's more, he's doing all this for one of the worst teams in baseball. Can you imagine how good he'd be right now if he was motivated? Junior needs a change of scenery, and fast. He needs to get out of Cincinnati like Vince Carter needed to get out of Toronto.<br /><br />In March, Vegas was posting a 1.5 over/under on the number of trips Junior would make to the DL in 2005. That wasn't good enough for my buddy Hench, so he got 3-1 odds in Vegas that Griffey would make more than 3.5 trips to the DL this season. Between that and betting on "Yard Work" not lasting three months, it's not looking like a good summer for Hench.<br /><br />But Junior is only fifth in voting right now, which perhaps serves him right because he used to lead in voting every year, almost by default. It's quite likely that he was overappreciated for many of these years. However, on the other end of the spectrum is Bobby Abreu. He puts up eye-popping numbers every season. He's been one of the top five outfielders in the NL for years, but nobody knows who he is outside of Philadelphia. Is there a more underappreciated superstar right now in any sport? What does this guy need to do in order to get noticed? Earlier this season, he dumped his fiancee when he discovered she had been starring in adult films, went on a hitting tear, and <i>still</i> nobody noticed outside of statheads and Phillies fans. If Abreu played in LA, he'd be as famous as Kobe Bryant. He'd be dating Lindsay Lohan, I'm sure of it.<br /><br />-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br /><br />The Sports Gal is still angry with me over the whole ARod thing from last week, so she has limited me to only seven hours of TiVo per day, not including the NBA Finals. This leaves me with a bit more free time on my hands, so I'm going to use it to answer some of the emails that have been piling up in the Yard Work inbox.<br /><br /><b>Q: Would you rather have a sports career like Alex Rodriguez or Craig Counsell? That is, would you rather have all the money in the world, the most impressive statline, and be a whiny glove-slapping bitch who's never won anything in his life; or a light-hitting pipsqueak who scored the winning run in Game 7 of one World Series, and contributed to the winning rally in Game 7 of another (beating the Yankees, no less)?<br />-- Harold G., Birmingham, AL</b><br /><br /><b>SG</b>: Counsell, no question. ARod might be the more talented of the two, but would <i>you</i> want to play on the same team as him? However, who wouldn't want to play with Craig Counsell? Does anybody dislike Craig Counsell? Is such a thing possible?<br /><br />Also, you've hit the nail on the head -- Counsell was involved in two of the most exciting World Series finishes ever. ARod's career numbers are impressive, no question, but can anyone name even one famous MOMENT that he was involved in, ALCS Game 6 excepted? A big play, a game-winning hit in a meaningful game, anything? Just one single moment that the casual baseball fan can remember? Anybody? Sports isn't just about players, it's also about moments, and ARod doesn't have any great moments associated with his name. Not to mention that I'd give my left pinky finger to have been standing on first base and watching Gonzalez's bloop hit fall in to win the World Series over those damn Yankees. So yes, I pick Counsell, and it's not even close.<br /><br />(You see? Happy now? Can I please have the TiVo remote back?)<br /><br /><b>Q: In all of recorded history, has a man ever gone out on a first date with a woman, talked about fantasy baseball (no matter how briefly) during any part of that night's conversation, and earned a second date with that woman? Has this ever happened to the best of your knowledge?<br />-- Norman B., Montreal, QC</b><br /><br /><b>SG</b>: No, that has never happened. To review, the following topics of conversation are off-limits on all first dates, no exceptions: fantasy baseball, Golden Tee golf, manure, weight/dieting, ex-girlfriends/boyfriends, and the book "Morrissey and Marr: The Severed Alliance" by Johnny Rogan. The reasoning behind the first five should be self evident. As for the last one, you'll just have to trust me.<br /><br /><b>Q: Is there a "Yard Work" intern? Do you need one? I'm available.<br />-- Leroy R., Vancouver, BC</b><br /><br /><b>SG</b>: No, we don't have an intern here. But we don't need one because we don't bother checking facts. We make everything up. Hey, it worked for Jose Canseco. And speaking of Canseco ...<br /><br /><b>Q: Jose Canseco is starring on the fifth season of "The Surreal Life". Which current player would you most want to see on that show?<br />-- Gerry T., Chicago, IL</b><br /><br /><b>SG</b>: Can I pick a current manager instead of a player? If so, then the answer is easy - Lou Piniella. If he'll tell off the Devil Rays ownership while sober, can you imagine what sorts of things he'd say to Mini-Me and Da Brat while raging drunk?<br /><br /><b>Q: Baseball would be a far more interesting game if managers wore clown suits. Big bulky clown suits with oversized red shoes. People would look forward to seeing pitching changes, and the managers would enjoy them more too. Furthermore, the manager would come out and wave his floopy clown suited arm toward the bullpen and the new pitcher wouldn't run out, instead, he'd ride out on a mule. The entertainment value of the game would increase immensely. Do you like my ideas?<br />-- Charles O., Kansas City, MO</b><br /><br /><b>SG</b>: Yup, these are my readers.Barryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08766828980324641356noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1119402672430665602005-06-21T21:06:00.000-04:002005-06-21T21:44:55.410-04:00Mike Piazza's Political Soapbox<img src="http://photos9.flickr.com/12289896_0be4301801_o.gif" height=150 width=115><br /><br />Hey, I'm Mike Piazza, All-Star catcher for the New York Mets. And I'd like to talk to you about Social Security.<br /><br />If you're like me, you stay awake late at night worrying about the future of this country. "What am I gonna do when I'm really old?" you ask. "Who's gonna provide for my kids when I'm gone?" you think. (Not me. I don't have any kids.)<br /><br />Well, the president's plan to privatize Social Security is totally kick-ass. It'll let you invest your hard-earned money the way you see fit - in stocks, in bonds, in rare collectible coins, and even in autographed Mike Piazza trading cards. <br /><br />It's your money. You should control how it's invested. And there's just no reason why people who don't make as much money as you do should reap the benefit of your hard work. Take me, Mike Piazza, for instance. Just because I'm making $16 million this year, should I be responsible for supporting Joe McEwing and all his illegitimate kids? (They don't call him Super Joe for nothing!) <br /><br />I was out partying hard, looking for babes, and grilling venison with John McCain and Ted Nugent last weekend, and MacDawg said, "P, I'm madder than a public school graduate trying to read <u>USA Today</u> over these wacko MoveOn.org liberals trying to stick their fingers in the cookie jar of America's retirement fund!" The Nuge said, "Hell yeah! First they go for our wallets, and then our guns!"<br /><br />I didn't know what to tell either of them. "MacDawg, you're an old dude," I said. "Why do so many other old dudes think that privatizing Social Security would cut them off for good? Don't they have kids who love them and support them?"<br /><br />Ted didn't look convinced. "And Nuge," I said. "What if they redistributed record sales like Social Security revenue? Wouldn't that be like taking money out of Damn Yankees' pockets and giving it to some lame-ass band from the Inland Empire that nobody cares about, like Diskothiq?"<br /><br />He sighed. "You're right," he said, and I coulda swore the Nuge had a tear in his eye. He turned around to face the grill.<br /><br />"Hit one for the Nuge," he said, and he flipped the venison.<br /><br />You see, liberals want you to believe that the system's just fine the way it is. But that's like saying that I should <i>give</i> Jose Reyes some of my home runs and RBIs, just because it's more fair! And what if I crash my Harley, or what if the Nuge mistakes me for a bull moose when we're out hunting? Hey, if the Rocket had hit me with that piece of bat, it could have severed an artery and I could have bled to death right there on national TV, and all my tax money would have just disappeared. My loved ones deserve better than that. <i>Our</i> loved ones deserve better than that.<br /><br />I'm Mike Piazza, and I approve this message.Danielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01199871869384538151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1119014774151091062005-06-17T09:24:00.000-04:002005-06-17T09:29:57.553-04:00Riding the Pine<img src="http://photos10.flickr.com/11198181_0447503f9a_m.jpg"><br /><br />If you listened to some of these purists talk about it, Brendan Donnelly crapped on Cy Young’s grave out there the other night. Bull! The fact is, Donnelly plays about as tough as anybody out there, and the Krukster’s got no love for guys who don’t sack up and game hard. That crybaby Frank Robinson might look at Donnie and see a cheater, but I see a guy who had tooled around the minors and never complained about it for ten years. You ever tried to party in Altoona on a Tuesday night? You’re lucky if you end up with a sixer of Iron City and a shiner the next morning courtesy of a certain swears-she’s-18-year-old somebody’s jealous boyfriend. I swear, the way he reacted you’d think I had my way with his Xbox.<br /><br />Then Donnelly got hit in the face in spring training and shattered his nose. Never said a word, just took it like a man and wiped the blood off his schnozz. Three hours of reconstructive surgery later, Donnie looked like Ernie Lombardi after a chance meeting with a shovel.<br /><br />But Donnelly knows he can go out there and snap bats in half with some of that steam he throws. And the last thing baseball needs is pretty boys who are all worried about how their uniform looks or whether their spikes match their shades. Listen up, Mariah! This is baseball! Dirt, blood, spit, chaw, brews, and melted ice cream from one of those little snot-nosed punks’ miniature batting helmets filled with heavenly hash are all badges of honor! Donnelly ain’t no cheater, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to wipe that crap off his glove, either. If those Nationals think that’s cheating, they’d better remember that a year ago, they were lucky to play in front of five thousand striped-T-shirt-wearing, poutine-munching Frenchies up there in that hellhole. You ever seen some of the teeth on those “Continental” girls?<br /><br />And as for Jose Guillen? Back when I was playing we’d have treated a squealer like him worse than Dykstra’s old lady. (Just kiddin’, Nails.) Jose better watch himself, or he’s gonna get drilled every game. By the end of this thing, he’s gonna get beaned so many times, he’ll have a bigger case of the ol’ red-ass than Michael Vick and Miguel Olivo put together.<br /><br />If the Nationals think they can beat the Phils by crying every time some schlub’s hat’s on all cock-eyed, I’ve got news for them. Just like Brendan Donnelly, the Phils are working-class gamers, and they play the game hard. You think Pat the Bat would call the umps like a little sissy? Ha! No way. The Krukster knows a thing or two about stones. Brendan Donnelly has stones.Danielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01199871869384538151noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1118954905571781082005-06-16T16:45:00.000-04:002005-06-17T00:21:48.916-04:00More Cowbell Than You Will Ever Need III -- All-Star Game Edition!<img src="http://photos7.flickr.com/11363143_0707bdad46.jpg" /><br /><br />The outcome of the NBA Finals is still a foregone conclusion and there are no new episodes of "The O.C." until September, so I've got to find something else to write about. That's when I turn to baseball, even though I see no reason why all of my TV staples can't be on the air all summer long. Reality TV has no off-season, "Survivor" was one of the biggest summer shows ever and a veritable cultural touchstone, so why can't "The O.C." follow this sort of example? If it's the "90210" of the aughts, then it needs to develop a summer season. "90210" didn't make the jump from cult hit to cultural phenomenon until that 1991 summer season, AKA the Summer of Dylan and Kelly. For those who weren't around at the time, this was seriously heavy stuff -- for Generations X and Y, in terms of serial drama and overall hype, we're talking about "Who Shot JR?", the Undertaker's Higher Power, and Game Five of the 1987 Eastern Conference Finals all rolled into one. You couldn't go anywhere without hearing "will they or won't they?" gossip about Dylan and Kelly. All aspiring young TV shows should follow the pioneering lead of "90210". Why am I the only person who understands this?<br /><br />At times like these, baseball becomes a welcome summer distraction. Which means it's time to do my part as a card-carrying member of the Red Sox Nation and help my team repeat as champions by casting my All-Star ballot. The outcome of the All-Star Game directly determines home-field advantage in the World Series, which means that the fans effectively choose which league gets to host Game 1. Has any sport, at any level, ever given the fans that kind of power? It's one of those ideas that's so simple and ingenius that you know it'll never last. On my list of the 50 Greatest Moments in My Life that Didn't Involve Larry Bird, the final out of the 2004 All-Star Game ranks at #35, because it directly led to the Red Sox winning the World Series. I spent my first thirty-odd years on this planet fearing that me, my dad, and my kids would die without ever seeing the Sox win it all, so how could a moment like that possibly rank outside the top 40? It couldn't. Can you believe that this idea, the one which directly led to all this happiness and joy, came from the brain of the same guy who cancelled the World Series in 1994? Thinking about these things keeps me awake at night. I can't sleep! Not only that, amongst the "this time it counts" furor, Bud Selig quietly managed to put an end to home-team bias voting. In my case, I could vote for nine Red Sox players, but it's more in my interest to include other teams' stars so that the Red Sox have the best chance of hosting four World Series games this fall. So like I was saying, the idea is ingenious and therefore, it can't possibly last. It just can't. They'll be reviewing the rules this offseason, and they're bound to eliminate this one. I'm certain of it. My buddy Hench was so certain of it, he sold his car and used the money to get 3-1 odds in Vegas that they'll go back to alternating home-field advantage from year to year. That's basically found money for Hench. Vegas usually doesn't miscalculate the odds like that. They just don't.<br /><br />Now, let's take a look at the ballot that I'll be submitting 24 more times on mlb.com during the next couple of weeks:<br /><br /><u>DH: David Ortiz, Boston</u>. Over the weekend, I watched my "Red Sox: 2004 World Champions" DVD four times and each of those times, I rewound and watched Ortiz's ALCS Game 4 homer another five times. Why name your kids Ginobili when you can name them Papi? Did I mention that I love this DVD? I might not be able to get through the rest of this column without stopping to watch it again.<br /><br /><u>1B: Justin Morneau, Minnesota</u>. Nobody stands out at this position in the AL. Somehow, all the best first basemen are in the NL this year. In these instances, almost anyone is an equally good and bad pick, but nevertheless, you have to pick <b>somebody</b>. It's the gambling equivalent of Vinny Testaverde and Matt Hasselbeck facing each other in the playoffs -- you'd rather bet on neither guy, but you've got to convince yourself to actually bet on one of them. All the rules of gambling get thrown out the window and you need to go with your gut. So I'm going with Morneau, who's a young slugger that's looking like a perennial All-Star for the next decade if he can stay healthy (although, between Larry Walker, Corey Koskie, and Eric Gagne's injuries, it hasn't been a good year healthwise for Canadian ballplayers. Did I just jinx Morneau? I hope not. I feel good about my pick, I do. I do? Yes, I do).<br /><br /><u>C: Jason Varitek, Boston; SS: Miguel Tejada, Baltimore</u>. In contrast, these are a couple of no-brainer picks. There's absolutely no discussion needed, and you'll only hear arguments coming by way of New York, courtesy of people who will try to convince you that Derek Jeter's latest faceplant catch is worthy of a lifetime exemption into the role of AL starting shortstop in the All-Star Game. As for Varitek, he can do no wrong this season. He's been the glue that has held together an otherwise fragile Red Sox team. I mean, if you were playing a game of pickup softball with your friends, and you could "draft" any AL ballplayer as your first pick, then who would it be? Faced with that situation, I'm sure that nine out of every ten people would pick Varitek first. That's the mark of a guy having a dominant, MVP-calibre season. What more proof do you need?<br /><br /><u>2B: Brian Roberts, Baltimore</u>. Speaking of players who can do no wrong, Brian Roberts lives in his own universe of doing no wrong. Roberts should skip the All-Star Game and head to Vegas instead, because you've got to take advantage of these types of hot streaks while you can. You know that scene in "Swingers" when Vince Vaughn says "you're so money" to Jon Favreau? That's Brian Roberts right now -- he's so money that he doesn't know what to do with himself. Opposing pitchers can't figure him out, and before they have a chance to adjust, the series is over and the Orioles have left town faster than you can say "Brady Anderson". How can anybody dislike Brian Roberts right now? All this, and he's a Yankee killer. How can you not like this guy?<br /><br /><u>3B:ARod, New York</u>. A lot of people are bound to be upset about this one. I was filling out my ballot and the Sports Gal walked by, shrieked "you're voting for Slap-Rod! How can you live with yourself?". Now she's hidden the TiVo remote and I haven't been able to find it all day, which is why I'm taking the time to write this blog post. But remember that scene in Goodfellas when Henry (Ray Liotta) goes to Pauly (Paul Sorvino) to beg for help after he got busted for drugs? Pauly gave Henry a wad of money and turned his back on him. Even after a lifetime of loyal service, Henry knew that he was a dead man sooner or later, so he went ahead and testified against the mob. What does all this mean? Just like Henry and Pauly, I have tremendous respect for A-Rod. He's clearly having the best season by any AL third baseman. I can vote for him now, employ him to help the Red Sox get home field advantage in the World Series, and turn on him in a heartbeat come October. Baseball is a dirty business.<br /><br /><u>OF: Johnny Damon, Boston; Vladimir Guerrero, Los Angeles; Manny Ramirez, Boston</u>. Guerrero needs no justification. Manny is Manny, I've got to show some home team favoritism (and cleanse myself of any remaining guilt over that ARod vote). And he's obviously the best bet to deliver one of those Kruk-Unit All-Star moments that become 1000 times more famous than anything that will happen in the game itself. If we're lucky, he'll catch his spike on a pigeon or hot dog bun while running after a routine fly ball. But Damon is something else. His career is indestructible. He has survived the Kansas City Royals, Moneyball, a biography titled "Idiot", appearances on "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy" and "Rob and Amber's Wedding", and a head-on collision with an outfield wall. Despite all of this, Damon's hitting .340 and is enjoying the best season of his career. Is there any precedent for this? By all rights, Damon should have gone the route of Buster Douglas after all these extracurricular adventures. He's like Jimmy Piersall without the mental anguish. He's too insane to be crazy. Everytime I see him crash into a wall or nearly trip over his hair while rounding third base, I hear Vince McMahon's mid-90's-era ringside commentary coming out of my TV speakers. <i>"Un-bee-leevable. Johnny Damon is un-bee-leevable. Look at that! What an athlete! He's coming home ... he's safe, no he's out, c'mon ump!"</i>. You'll be telling your grandkids that you saw Johnny Damon play. You will. <br /><br />Coming up on a future edition of More Cowbell ... my NL All-Star ballot. Until then, go rent "Caddyshack" in case Tiger runs away with the US open by 3PM on Saturday.Barryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08766828980324641356noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1118617817602540022005-06-12T18:59:00.000-04:002005-06-13T00:49:52.970-04:00The Diary of Clint Barmes<img src="http://espn.go.com/i/mlb/profiles/players/7231.jpg" /><br /><br /><i> Editor's Note: Colorado Rockies rookie Clint Barmes has been keeping a regular diary throughout his standout 2005 season. Among MLB rookies, the 26-year-old shortstop from Indiana State ranks near the top of the leaderboard in almost every major offensive category. In this </i>Yard Work<i> exclusive, we are pleased to bring you excerpts from the diary of this budding superstar.</i><br /><br /><u>April 16</u>. I had a great game last night, going 4-5 with two homers, but we still got blown out by San Francisco, 13-6. I thought I did my part, but I guess it wasn't enough. But after the game, Preston Wilson came up to my locker and said "hey rookie, why are you making the rest of us look bad? You're supposed to stop trying when we're down by ten runs, squirt". I apologized, really I did, and he said I could make it up to him by helping him move the next day.<br /><br />They made me do a lot of work. At one point, I was walking from room to room carrying a huge oak cabinet strapped to my back. We'd get to one room, Preston and his wife would argue over where to put the cabinet and I'd have to stand there holding it while they had their discussion. Then we'd walk to the next room and the same thing would happen. After 25 minutes of carrying this 200 lb cabinet (including twice up and down two flights of stairs), I tripped over their dog and fell flat on my face. Preston's wife started screaming but fortunately the cabinet didn't get a scratch because it landed on me and I braced its fall. I got a little smushed but I was OK. Preston bought me a slice of pizza at the ballpark to thank me for the help. It had pepperoni on it and was pretty good. But all this work is worth it in order to earn the respect of the veterans on our club.<br /><br /><u>April 29</u>. I'm hitting .430 after another two-hit game, but we lost again, this time against LA in Dodger Stadium. After the game, a few of us decided to head out for dinner. Well wouldn't you know it, our rental car broke down on the drive there. I told the guys to take a cab the rest of the way while I took care of the car. The vets always make the rookies park the car anyhow, so I figured I might as well volunteer. I put the car in neutral and started pushing. The restaurant was sixteen blocks away -- it's a good thing the weather is so nice in LA! Then, about halfway there, the car got rear-ended. Lucky for me, I'd just gone to turn on the hazard lights (I'd forgotten to put them on all that time -- oops!) only a few seconds before the car was hit. The rear bumper was knocked off completely so it's a good thing I wasn't back there pushing the car at that moment or else I could have bruised a knee or something. Well, by the time I got to the restaurant more than two hours later, the vets had already left without me. That's OK, I wouldn't have wanted them to wait and ruin their dinner on account of me. But I was hungry by that point, so I hailed a cab back to the hotel and had a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats in my room while watching a late-night rerun of "Fear Factor". Yum!<br /><br /><u>May 26</u>. I got three more hits last night, but we lost 8-6 to St. Louis. I really wanted to go home and relax, but I'd already promised [General Manager Dan] Mr. O'Dowd that I would bring the new photocopier up to his office in Coors Field. It didn't have any wheels and the service elevator was broken so I had to carry it up the stairs. Then I had to meet a delivery man in the parking lot and bring Keith's [Dugger, Rockies head trainer] new massage table into the trainer's room. It was over ten feet long so balancing it on my shoulder was really hard, and getting it through the doors was even tougher.<br /><br />This morning I had to wake up early and drive into the city to pick up the vintage 50's pinball machine for our clubhouse. It's a gift from the rookies to the vets. In return, they promised to stop putting yogurt and week-old mashed potatoes in our gym bags after each ballgame. The pinball machine was really big so I had to strap it to the roof of my car using bungie cords. I got into the car and was about to turn on the ignition when suddenly, the roof caved in! A shard of metal scraped my ear and I had to get a band-aid for it, but otherwise I was OK. Good thing I wasn't in the passenger seat -- I would have been flattened because the pinball machine tumbled into that side of the car! I'll need to replace my car but the worst part was that some of the paint got chipped on the under side of the pinball machine. The vets were none too happy about that so they said they'd stop with the yogurt, but would continue to use the mashed potatoes. Now the vets AND the rookies are angry with me. Jeepers! Fortunately, Todd Helton said he'd forgive me if I went hunting with him next week. He likes to hunt deer but he needs somebody to carry the dead deer back to his house afterward. He said if I behaved myself then we could ride ATV's after he finishes hunting. Golly, life in the big leagues can be so unpredictable sometimes!Barryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08766828980324641356noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1118294525966114462005-06-09T01:17:00.000-04:002005-06-09T01:33:04.920-04:00Where Is The Love For... Scott Erickson?<img src="http://photos13.flickr.com/18302499_e4c384b953_o.jpg"><br /><br />We here in the Dodgers front office hear what you're saying, fans. Scott Erickson has got to go. Scott Erickson is the worst pitcher in the major leagues. <br /><br />What the meatheads and frat boys aren't telling you is that Scott Erickson is a proven winner. This is a man, let's not forget, who propelled his Minnesota Twins to World Series glory just 14 years ago.<br /><br />Are you telling me, Dodger fans, that you <i>don't</i> want the same Scott Erickson on your team who outdueled the mighty Randy Johnson on April 26? Neither Ken Griffey Jr. <b>nor Ken Griffey Sr.</b> could manage much in the way of success against the devastating Erickson sinker that fateful day in the Metrodome. Scott Erickson's power simply spans generations.<br /><br />On May 1, Scott Erickson shut down the Boston Red Sox - the very same Boston Red Sox who, of course, eventually went on to win the World Series themselves. Not even Hall of Famer Wade Boggs could manage a hit that day against the rubber arm of young Erickson.<br /><br />Bill Gullickson. Roy Smith. Andy Johnson. Bobby Witt. Dave Stewart. They were all mowed down by the impressive force of the plucky Erickson. Even Charles Nagy - arguably the greatest major leaguer ever from the storied University of Connecticut baseball program - could manage only a pathetic piffle when his Indians crumpled against the Twins one sultry June night that fateful year.<br /><br />We've known about Scott Erickson for a very long time, Dodger fans. And we know what he brings to a team. Proven experience. Championship poise. You may have heard some baseball experts call these "intangibles." <br /><br />We're on the Internet, too, and don't think that we don't take your opinions into consideration. "He pitches like a beer league softball player," you say. "He looks like Jamie Moyer at 24 fps," you scornfully cluck.<br /><br />The fact is, when major league hitters step into the box, they expect to see the ball coming at them at lightning speed. When it's slow, their little brains hesitate, and they fail to register the ball's movement at all. Most of these hitters barely graduated high school, let alone <i>cum laude</i> from Harvard like me, Paul DePodesta '95. Like the great Kodiak grizzly, a top major league hitter like Albert Pujols simply cannot react when his prey - in this case, the deceptively slow fastball of Scott Erickson - is before him, unmoving. Albert Pujols went to a junior college in Missouri, people. I shouldn't have to spell this out for you.<br /><br />But if I must, let me put this in terms that even the casual baseball fan can understand: if you take the N, tilt the letter I a little, and visualize the letter M, it is absolutely impossible to spell "Scott Gavin Erickson" without "gamer." This is exactly what a progressive, modern organization like the Los Angeles Dodgers is looking for in this age of bloated contracts and big-money free agents.<br /><br />Some of you bloggers, safe at home behind your keyboards, may want to call Erickson a "human taco machine," but we Dodgers choose to look beyond the tacos - even tacos such as those which Erickson serves up, drenched in guacamole and refulgent with luminous caramelized onions - and see what lurks behind the crispy corn shell of Erickson's 81 mph fastball. It's this type of thinking outside the box - nay, thinking outside the bun - that shall lead us once again to the promised land.<br /><br /><i>Paul DePodesta is the general manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers.</i>Danielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01199871869384538151noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1118248798955769562005-06-08T12:36:00.000-04:002005-06-08T12:39:58.963-04:00Pay Rickey<img src="http://photos14.flickr.com/18201396_50c683e8a3_o.jpg"><br /><br />Life in the minor leagues! Sure, Rickey's making 400 bucks a week, wearing a purple uniform, living with some corny-ass host family way out in El Cajon, and batting .194, but that don't matter. Rickey's watching the Oakland A's, man. He read that "Moneyball" book. Billy Beane's a good writer! And Rickey sees Eric Byrnes floppin' around out there in left like a baby seal. Rickey knows what's up. See, those "Moneyball" dudes are all about walks, right? And Rickey, he can draw a walk. Rickey gets up there, and the other pitcher's like, "Yo! Rickey! Out of respect to you and your 25 years of service to major league baseball, I'm just going to get you on base, so the fans get what they paid to see, and I'll just pitch to that little dude picking his nose in the on-deck circle!" <br /><br />And Rickey's a classy, respectful gentleman. Rickey ain't gonna swing at no 75-mph meatball from some kid. He's going to wait it out and hit tough pitches, because he knows that patience and diligence mean more to the Oakland A's than if Rickey was hitting inside-the-park tacos every night. Even in the Golden Baseball League.<br /><br />Speaking of gold, one of the few regrets of Rickey's legendary baseball career is that he never won a gold medal. When Rickey was coming up, they sat him down and said, "Rickey, we need you to go to Moscow in 1980 and beat the Commies like the little scrubs they are!" Of course Rickey was ready to go and get on some Captain America shit, but Rickey's star was just too much for the minor leagues. The Oakland A's called him up, Rickey shocked the world with his magnificence, baby-soft dimples, and all-around glory, and when 1980 came around, the Olympics were like, "Yo! Rickey!" and Rickey was all, "Rickey got <i>paid</i>!"<br /><br />They was so mad that they didn't go to Moscow at all. They was all, "If Rickey ain't going, nobody ain't going!" That Afghanistan thing was a cover. So then the Olympics were all, "Man, f-ck Rickey! If Rickey ain't playing, we're gonna wait four more years!" So I guess you could say that Rickey Henderson was personally responsible for the fact that baseball didn't become a full Olympic sport until 1992. <br /><br />So anyway, everybody's worried about that World Cup thing next year, and how their players might lose some of their spring training. Those guys are chumps and sissies! Rickey isn't like them. He doesn't go on fantasy cruises or do autograph signings or hang out with his children or even do the dishes, even if it means that his host parents take away the Xbox. Rickey's a professional. Rickey's a gamer. The hell with spring training. Rickey Henderson doesn't <i>stop</i> training. Right now, Eric Byrnes is probably eating Lucky Charms or that Cap'n Crunch where they screwed up at the factory and now it's all berries. Rickey don't even <i>want</i> to know what Coco Crisp is eating! Rickey's up at five in the morning every day, getting his All-Bran on. Billy Beane better remember that.<br /><br />Pay Rickey!Danielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01199871869384538151noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1118242002956582062005-06-08T10:44:00.000-04:002005-06-08T23:38:16.773-04:00Made in Canada<img src="http://photos14.flickr.com/18112858_3184e8a48f_o.jpg" /><br /><br />We live in the greatest country on earth and that's why we produce the greatest athletes. Canadians are making a huge impact in baseball these days because our development of baseball players is second only to our development of junior hockey players.<br /><br />Now let me tell you a story. I used to be a really good ballplayer. Of course, over the winter and into spring, we stretched out the hockey season as long as we possibly could. But by June, all the ice and snow had melted and our skate blades were dull from two months of skating on the pavement. That shows you how much we loved Canada's game. But when summer finally rolled around, it was time to put away our skates and get our spikes and gloves out of storage. We played in a semipro league and everyone on our team was paid three dollars per day, plus bus fare to and from the game and a two-four of Labatt's 50. We were getting paid peanuts but we weren't doing it for the money, we did it because we wanted to play.<br /><br />Big league scouts used to drive up from the States to watch our games. Word spread fast about our team of hard-nosed Kingston boys. We hit the ball hard and opposing infielders harder. In their game notes, the scouts used to call it the "Canadian style" of play but you never hear that term used anymore because the game has become so diluted by foreigners who don't know how to take a hit. Next time you're watching a game, look at how those Venezuelans and Dominicans play. They take one hit -- one hard slide -- and they're down on the field for five minutes. Give me a break. We played hurt everyday. One season, our ace pitcher, a guy by the name of Stumpy Miller, pitched the entire second half of the season with a dislocated shoulder. What's more, he never even let on that he was hurt, and we didn't find out about the injury until the season was over. He got hurt during a bench clearing brawl we had with the Huntsville Grizzlies. The game hadn't even started yet. Our manager brought the lineup card to home plate, the other manager said something about his mother and it was on. The umps just stood back and let the players go at it. We had a really good umpiring crew working that day and they didn't want the game to be decided because of ejections, so they didn't eject anybody because of the fight. That's the way the game should be played -- the umps have got to let the players play the game. In the end, the fight went on for a while and the opening pitch was delayed for about an hour and a half, but the fans loved it.<br /><br />Anyhow, I want to tell you about this one game we played against the Smiths Falls Trillium Pickers. These guys played dirty, they had a real mean streak about them. We never liked playing against them. Our catcher was this a huge brute of a guy named Carl Turner who was also the top defenseman on our minor league hockey team before he disappeared one summer while canoeing down the Ottawa river. So this guy Turner went to break up the double play at second. The shortstop was coming across the bag and was looking down into his glove to receive the ball from the second baseman instead of looking up at the runner. Now, for all you kids out there, remember to never ever ever cross the bag with your heads down because if you do that you're gonna get hit. Now, Turner didn't even bother sliding, he just ran right through the bag like he'd been trained to do and shoulder checked the Trillium Pickers shortstop into next week. This was in the top of the second inning, so by that time, the Smiths Falls fans were good and drunk and started chucking empty bottles of rye whiskey onto the field in protest. Pandemonium broke out, and it was a big mess. As for me, I got whacked in the eye with a hockey stick by a fan who had run out onto the field so I had no choice but to drop my glove and fight him.<br /><br />Well, the game was a forfeit but the scouts were impressed. They loved our toughness and our grit. We had more heart than any other team in the league. That's how I got offered a minor league contract from the Dodgers when I was seventeen, but I didn't accept it. I loved baseball, but I knew that hockey was my calling.<br /><br />So all you kids need to go out to the bookstore and buy Bob Elliott's new book, "The Northern Game: Baseball The Canadian Way". It's important to learn about the history of our other great game, the game of baseball. Canadians are making an impact in the game today like we never have before. Guys like Larry Walker, Justin Morneau, and Corey Koskie are proudly flying the Maple Leaf south of the border and playing their guts out in the major leagues. Even the Quebecers are playing baseball now, like Dodgers pitcher Eric Gagne. Make sure you read the book and help celebrate our game!<br /><br /><i>Hockey legend and CBC analyst Don Cherry was recently voted #7 in a nationwide poll of the all-time Greatest Canadians. Mr. Cherry also wrote the forward to "The Northern Game: Baseball The Canadian Way", by </i>Toronto Sun<i> sportswriter Bob Elliott.</i>Barryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08766828980324641356noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1118012682894277352005-06-05T18:42:00.000-04:002005-06-05T19:09:11.833-04:00Fantasy Baseball Advice<i>Ed. Note:Welcome to another installment of Fantasy Baseball Advice here at Yard Work. We originally planned for Pedro Martinez and Tom Glavine to return for a second column. However, on the day of the interview, we ran into Anna Benson in the Shea Stadium press box and were unable to resist her charms! Model, actress, mother, and socialite, Anna always has time for interacting with her fans. We spoke with her on the afternoon of husband Kris' Sunday night start against the Giants.</i><br /><br /><img src="http://photos13.flickr.com/17666958_ab42b672a1_m.jpg" /><br /><br /><i>Q: OK, here's the deal. I've been running a semi-platoon deal with Sean Casey and Ryan Klesko. Casey's OPS split vs lefties/righties is 883/747. Normally, I bench Casey against righties and install Klesko at first on those days, with rare exceptions (Klesko's splits are 742/930, thus, on days when Casey faces a righty and Klesko a lefty, I defer to the pitcher-batter matchups to decide if I want to bench either guy). So, when Casey is benched, I have to play an outfielder from my injury-depleted bench, which is a choice between Preston Wilson (who can't hit a damn outside of Coors), or Richard Hidalgo, who also can't hit lefties and is somehow hitting just .210 in Texas. What's more, both guys are fast starters and tend to cool down after the All-Star break (to the tune of over 100 points in OPS). Thus, thinking long-term, I can see the logic in starting Wilson (when he plays at home) and Hidalgo (on the road) and hopefully this strategy will result in maximal playing time with the best possible matchups for Casey, Klesko, Hidalgo, and Wilson. Is this a sound strategy?<br /><br />Fred R., Tempe, AZ</i><br /><br /><b>Anna Benson</b>: Wow, math is hard! That's a tough question. How many OBS do you need to total 27 million dollars? That's what I need to know. My man has thousands of OBS's, I'm sure of it. How many do your players have?<br /><br /><i>Q: After Glendon Rusch's shutout against the Padres this week, is this guy for real? I'm asking because I'm mulling over a trade of Rusch for Eddie Guardado. If I lose Guardado, I still have Chad Cordero to close for me, and I've got a big lead in saves right now. I need a guy who can eat innings and pick up some W's. Rusch gives up too many baserunners for my liking, but he's been keeping runs off the board, is tied for his club lead in wins, and has even pitched very well in the Friendly Confines. Is this a good deal for me?<br /><br />Joseph P., Nashville, TN</i><br /><br /><b>AB</b>: When I'm with my husband, he pitches very well in my Friendly Confines and I'm not talking about baseball, if you know what I mean! Also, I'm not drunk enough yet, I need another cocktail! If I'm not good and tipsy when Kris pitches, I get very nervous and then who knows what kinds of silly things I'll say!<br /><br /><i>Yard Work: Um, do you have an answer for Joseph from Nashville?</i><br /><br /><b>AB</b>: Oh sure. How can I judge when I don't know what they look like? Do you have pictures?<br /><br /><i>Yard Work: OK, here [shows pictures] </i> <p><img src="http://espn.go.com/i/mlb/profiles/players/5051.jpg" /> <img src="http://espn.go.com/i/mlb/profiles/players/5764.jpg" /><br /><br /><b>AB</b>: Definitely the man in the blue cap. He has such soft eyes. You know who has the softest eyes? My husband. I get horny just thinking about them! After tonight's game, after Kris gets his win, I'm going to surprise him, wear my sexiest bustier and tiniest black lace panties, creep up behind him in the clubhouse showers, and put my mouth on his [<i>censored -- Ed.</i>] ... and then take his [<i>censored -- Ed.</i>] ... into my [<i>censored -- Ed.</i>] ... we'll go out to our favourite restaurant, and when we get home, he'll be in for a night of more [<i>censored -- Ed.</i>] ... in his [<i>censored -- Ed.</i>] ... until we can't do any more [<i>censored -- Ed.</i>]. Ooooh, fun!<br /><br />[<i>Ed: Since Yard Work is a family-friendly website, some editing of Anna Benson's statement was deemed necessary. Every effort was made to moderate her statements without altering their context</i>.]<br /><br /><i>Q: I need to drop a starter in my 5 x 5 head-to-head league -- either Chacin, Oswalt, or Wells. Oswalt is probably the best of the bunch, but he's facing Pedro this week. BTW, my two relievers are Tavarez and Gagne. What do you think?<br /><br />Henry G., Rochester, NY.</i><br /><br /><b>AB</b>: Eeeeee, I just got a text message from Kris. The message says "centrosymmetry". Don't I know! And Pedro is such a cutie pie. You definitely need him on your team. His curly locks are so sensual.<br /><br /><i>Yard Work: That wasn't really an option. Pedro isn't on this guy's fantasy team.</i><br /><br /><b>AB</b>: Oh, it's a fantasy team? Half of the Mets clubhouse is on my fantasy team. I love spending my husband's money on the adorable Mets and their cute butts. He paid for these drinks, you know. He likes me good and wasted so that he can take advantage of me after the game once the kids go to sleep -- and sometimes before they go to sleep! And sometimes right there at the dinner table! With our in-laws there! My man is so rich and beautiful. Do you want to know more about my fantasy team?<br /><br /><i>Ed. note: we decided to end the interview at that point and continue the discussion off the record. Thanks for reading this week's edition of Fantasy Baseball Advice!</i></p>Barryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08766828980324641356noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12480140.post-1117725974145732742005-06-02T11:14:00.000-04:002005-06-02T14:33:23.683-04:00Missouri's Own Hemophiliac Aristocracy<div align="justify"><img src="http://photos10.flickr.com/12019388_fb5b84984d_o.jpg" /><br /><br />A year and a half ago, the Brewers traded gigantic first baseman Richie Sexson to the Diamondbacks, and received what looked like a collection of spare parts in return. Junior Spivey, Lyle Overbay, Chris Capuano, Jorge de la Rosa: who the hell were all these guys?<br /><br />When the Brewers shipped closer Danny Kolb to the Atlanta Native Americans, it looked like another case of baseball's haves picking and choosing the most delicious morsels of the have-nots — the Native Americans shed top prospect Jose Capellan in the deal, but received a proven closer with 39 saves for a moribund team in 2004. What could go wrong?<br /><br />Thus far in 2005:<br /><br />Lyle Overbay: .295/.432/.514, 7 HR, 28 RBI, 35 BB, 27 K<br />Chris Capuano: 4-4, 3.01 ERA, 56 K, 27 BB, 1.192 WHIP<br />Jose Capellan (AAA): 3-2, 4.74 ERA, 37 K, 23 BB, 1.581 WHIP<br /><br />Danny Kolb: 1-4, 5.66 ERA, 19 K, 18 BB, 1.984 WHIP<br />Richie Sexson (Mariners): .250/.359/.536, 13 HR, 42 RBI, 28 BB, 55 K<br /><br />The fact of the matter is this: time and time again, the Brewers and GM Doug Melvin have <a href="http://www.startribune.com/stories/503/5413694.html">gotten the better of bigger-market teams</a>. How do they do it? By managing to understand the vagaries of the trading game, casting their nets in the shallow end of the free-agent market, and not getting too attached to their homegrown starlets.<br /><br />Even the trade of speedster Scott Podsednik to the White Sox for underrated slugger Carlos Lee represents a shrewd understanding of the needs of a team like Milwaukee. Podsednik may be on pace to steal a hundred bases this year, but what good does a base-stealer do a team without much of a chance of scoring runs? That Podsednik was a waiver claim, effectively costing the Brewers nothing, only adds to the remarkable nature of the deal; essentially they claimed him, let him prove himself in Miller Park, and shipped him to the highest bidder. The player they got in return is a much better fit for the Brewers' small-market needs; Lee hits between Geoff Jenkins and Overbay in a heart of the order most teams would envy. Podsednik's leadoff spot? Capably filled by Brady Clark… claimed off waivers in 2003. Kolb's closer's role? The domain of Derrick Turnbow... claimed off waivers in 2004, and putting up a much better line than Kolb, to boot.<br /><br />The Brewers, at 24-27, do not look like a success story. But for a team with a $40 million payroll to sniff .500 in this day and age is unthinkable; similar charity cases like the Devil Rays and Pirates have practically given up the ghost. Although the Brewers aren't a traditional "Moneyball"-oriented team, they resemble nothing so much as the Oakland Anaerobics of five years ago. With minor league sensation Prince Fielder knocking on the door, expect the Brewers to remember Sexson, who bolted Arizona to the highest bidder, and deal Overbay, whom they won't be able to re-sign next year for the $446,000 he makes this season. In return, some big-budget chump will give up a young pitcher or corner outfielder whose value they don't quite realize, and Milwaukee, leaning on the considerable talents of ace Ben Sheets and a stable of dirt-cheap, quality who-dats in the bullpen (think Capuano or Victor Santos), will grow ever better. Contending in the loaded NL Central will be hard, but the Astros are aging quickly, the Cardinals can't win 100 games every year, and the Cubs are the Cubs. Why not the Brewers?<br /><br />TMQ brings this up when thinking about the Lame Duck Monarchy of Kansas City, who named Buddy Bell as their new manager on Tuesday. Bell, who guided the Tigers and Rockies, shrieking in flames kamikaze-style, to 53-109 and 73-89 records during his respective tenures at each club's helm, is a real cringe-inducer, even if you have a taste for those pulpy true-crime novels they sell at the bus station.<br /><br /><i>"It was only then that I put the pieces together and realized that the psycho killer was our very own GM, Allard Baird," sobbed Greinke's wife, blinking back tears.</i><br /><br />Why? Why Bell? What's the point? You imagine that Baird, prior to hiring Bell, spent the previous month or so refusing to bathe, sleeping until five in the afternoon, playing endless games of "MLB 2005" and pretending that the Royals could pick first in a notional leaguewide fantasy draft ("Why yes, I'll take Albert Pujols!"), all the while letting his phone calls go unanswered and bills unpaid. Given the stark reality of Kansas City's situation, hiring Bell is an exemplary non-move move that says, in no uncertain terms, that the Monarchy just doesn't care. (Perhaps the allure of that chateau in St. Moritz is too much for Missouri's own hemophiliac aristocracy, forever afflicted with a malformed case of <i>noblesse oblige</i>.) Shoving a sub-.500 caretaker whose previous managerial experience involved steering another franchise deeper into the morass of suck is like a department store selling off fixtures. Everything must go! (Expect, inexplicably, fan favorite Mike Sweeney.)<br /><br />Baseball types don't like to look at the Brewers and Anaerobics and admit that smart sports sense can win out over financial restrictions in the end. Indigent GMs, faced with angry fans wondering why they've given $18 million to Eric Milton, like to blame their teams' woes on the Red Sox and Yankees, with their nine-digit payrolls and massive TV contracts. The fact of the matter is that baseball's playing ground is unfair, but baseball common sense is often inane. Payroll disparity is an unfortunate side effect of the explosion of the sport, but it's a strawman, in the end, for personnel decisions that often reflect the stupidity of conventional wisdom. Milton's downward spiral, which recalls none so much as Nicolas Cage's in "Leaving Las Vegas," if baseball bats were gigantic bottles of vodka, is no surprise to statheads and the Philadelphia Phillies organization. Eric Milton was no more likely to start pitching like anyone other than Eric Milton than a dog is to quack when you stick $18 million worth of dog food in its bowl.<br /><br />The dog's agent will tell you otherwise, of course.<br /><br /><b>Stat of the Week #1</b><br /><br />May 25: Joe Blanton, Oakland Anaerobics.<br />0.1 IP, 6 H, 8 R, 7 ER, 0 K, 1 BB, 32 pitches.<br /><br />Ye gads! Blanton's start (against Tampa Bay, no less) was Paul Wilson-esque in its inauspiciousness, and provided immediate fuel to Billy Beane's detractors, who immediately claimed, with great relish, that the A's were eternally doomed for trading away two of their Big Three in the off-season. Blanton's terrible game – which raised his ERA from 5.15 to 6.55 in one-third of an unforgettable inning on the bumpy stubble of Tropicana Field – was ultimate proof of Beane's fatal error. Tim Hudson would have never done such a thing!<br /><br />This evidences what TMQ would like to call the Bonderman Hypothesis. In 2003, Jeremy Bonderman, the Tigers' best pitching prospect, went 6-19 with a 5.56 ERA. Ye gads! Lost in the equation, however, is the fact that the 2003 Tigers, lest you forget, went 43-119. Bonderman was one of three Detroit starters to lose more than 17 contests that year.<br /><br />Let's say you knew nothing of the context of that suicidal Comerica summer and only saw Bonderman's pitching line. Would you consider him a "top prospect"? TMQ thinks not. However, Bonderman's 2004 and early 2005 results – and remember, our Jer is still but 22 years young – reflect a maturing, developing pitcher. His WHIP and home run rate are decreasing. His strikeout rate is rising. His ERA is falling, commensurately – his team is also getting better, but independent of this, Bonderman is becoming a better pitcher, and there is little doubt among baseball cognoscenti that he will someday be a very good one.<br /><br />Not all great young pitchers have the good fortune of being drafted by the Marlins or Twins. It is easy to look at the success of Johan Santana or Josh Beckett and wonder why Bonderman or Blanton can't win 20 games every year, if they're everything they're cracked up to be.<br /><br />And the Anaerobics must be ninnies for trading away Mark Mulder and Tim Hudson, both of whom experienced nagging, ominous injuries, for minor-league talent with no proven production, right? Better to stick with the status quo and re-sign the twain to super-sized contract extensions. It's surprising that baseball intelligentsia, who clearly have no vested interest in maintaining a payroll system that rewards starting pitchers for good branding, self-promotion, and above all the outlier walk year (cf. Jaret Wright) would criticize Oakland for trading its aces. Why would any agent, scout, announcer, bat boy, or peanut vendor worth his salt say such a thing?<br /><br />The fact of the matter is this. The net haul of prospects - Dan Haren started the season as Oakland's fifth starter, Dan Meyer is on the verge of cracking the Anaerobics' rotation, and Daric Barton will slot in at catcher once Jason Kendall's ample haunches have fully warmed the plate – almost definitely exceeds the value Oakland would have gotten by giving Hudson and Mulder market rate. Judging a trade like this when its main components have underperformed (on an underperforming team, mind you!) for two whole months speaks volumes as to the guilty-until-proven-innocent mindset with which baseball still views outside-the-box baseball management. Never mind that the Anaerobics may have reloaded their roster by surrendering their most expensive chits at peak value. The Bonderman Hypothesis holds that Oakland's trades will look much better in hindsight as their young pitchers ripen, but as far as baseball is concerned, Oakland's success was an unfortunate anomaly. Never mind that Mulder and Hudson weren't merely great Oakland pitchers; they were great Oakland pitchers who happened to make a fraction as much as their contemporaries.<br /><br />The baseball gods smile upon fiscal conservatism. Oakland will be back with guns blazing.<br /><br /><b>Stat of the Week #2</b><br /><br />According to Baseball Prospectus, Oakland's five Opening Day starters rank in the bottom twenty-five of all major league starters, in terms of luck (ie. expected win-loss records vs. actual win-loss records). The only other major league team with more than two starters as unlucky as Oakland's five is Houston, with Andy Pettitte, Roy Oswalt, and Roger Clemens.<br /><br />Clemens' typically great season has resulted in a 3-3 record, courtesy of the anemic Houston bats. Perhaps the Killer B's are getting tired running up that hill in center field?<br /><br /><b>Stat of the Week #3</b><br /><br />During six games last week in which he batted 16 for 24, Red Sox shortstop Edgar Renteria raised his batting average from .239 to .295. Renteria, who signed a free agent contract for megabuxxx and replaced fan favorite Orlando Cabrera in the process, was a pariah in Boston, roundly vilified by the hostile Red Sox media prior to the team's road trip to Toronto and New York. Upon his return to Fenway on Monday night, he was greeted with a minute-long standing ovation before he even swung a bat.<br /><br /><b>STOP ME BEFORE I BUNT AGAIN!</b><br /><br />Cubs at Dodgers, May 31. Cubbie who-dat Michael Wuertz on the hill, game tied 1-1 in the bottom of the ninth. Dodgers right fielder Jayson Werth draws a leadoff walk. Next up is slugger J.D. Drew, he of the .390 career OBP and .898 career OPS. Drew is a patient, selective left-handed hitter, known for his great ability to draw walks and get on base. Wuertz is a decent middle reliever, but allows lefties to hit him at a .300 clip. Surely, the eight innings of one-hit ball provided by Cubs ace Carlos Zambrano are for naught! Surely, the Dodgers reign triumphant - IT'S A BUNT!<br /><br />Or, rather, it's two miserable attempted bunts by Drew, not normally known for his talents at sacrificing runners into scoring position. Drew eventually strikes out, Wuertz retires the side, and the Cubs go on to win.<br /><br />One wonders if Dodgers manager Jim Tracy, possessed of a madness almost Atreus-like in its perversity and compulsion, has taken to collecting his urine in tiny jars in the Dodgers' dugout. He is surely managing some phantom collection of doppelgangers, unaware of pitcher/batter matchups and the actual progress of the game itself. Why not have Drew do what he does quite well, as <a href="http://www.firejimtracy.com/?p=976">Fire Jim Tracy asks</a>?<br /><br />TMQ suspects that Wuertz's known control problems came as a surprise to the Dodgers braintrust, although the evidence was staring at them on first base the entire duration of Drew's at-bat.<br /><br /><b>Sweet Play of the Week</b><br /><br />On May 28, Tigers center fielder Nook Logan robbed Jay Gibbons ("nonchalantly," reports the Baltimore Sun, as though he were chewing a toothpick at the time) of a home run at Camden Yards. It was the second time this season that Logan robbed Gibbons at Camden Yards — and the third time Logan took away a homer from Orioles batters in the four games the Tigers played in Baltimore. Is there a better record of defensive poise than Logan's against Baltimore?<br /><br /><b>Sour Play of the Week</b><br /><br />On May 27, a line drive off the bat of Colorado right fielder struck Cubs pitcher Mark Prior in the right, fracturing Prior's elbow and possibly shelving him for the remainder of the season. Of the Cubs' troika of aces, only Carlos Zambrano remains unscathed — and ominously, Zambrano ranks second in the majors in average pitches per start.<br /><br />Prior's injury wasn't due to misuse or poor mechanics, but it serves to highlight a point about the Cubs' management. Dusty Baker is notorious for leaving his pitchers in way past the point where they've begun to curdle on the mound, but without high-grade arms like Prior's and Kerry Wood's, the brunt of the 120-pitch odysseys on which Baker routinely sends his pitchers must now be borne by luminaries such as Todd Wellemeyer and Jerome Williams, who was recently acquired from the Giants.<br /><br />When Williams heard the news, did he begin furtively massaging his rotator cuff in advance of whatever debilitating injury will surely befall him? If worse comes to worse the Cubs can always turn to their minor league system, which, true to the Cult of Dusty, is replete with players who've spent far too long laboring in the bucolic bandboxes of the erstwhile American Association. At least Cubbie fans can rest assured that whoever Baker might pluck out of the Iowan wasteland and summon to his doom, he will be making his trip to the majors at least three or four years after he should have done so.<br /><br /><b>Cheerbabe of the Week</b><br /><br />Or the closest thing baseball has to one, anyhow — the boobalicious Anna Benson, who recently <a href="http://www.nypost.com/sports/mets/47001.htm">took a journalistic turn</a> in the New York Post. Take it away, Anna!<br /><br /><i>He always sends me one first before the game. I'll say "pectoral?" And he'll say "fine." He'll ask, "Are you in the suite or down with fans?" The luxury box offers more privacy, which I need thanks to my foul mouth. Besides, the kids know Daddy's a famous pitcher, but they have no idea why people scream and boo at him.<br /><br />By the second inning, I knew how he was going to do. I could tell by his body language. I can see when he's confident. It's thrilling when he does so well, and he's so happy he got a hit — a single. I got a text message from him while he was in the dugout telling me he's [sic] excited he was.<br /><br />We're going to have a good night. But first, we have some other engagements. There's a signing at the Marriott, then it's back to the hotel for dinner. Later, there's the U2 concert at the Garden. It's a great reward, but not the only reward. After the game, he ices down and does some interviews while I head to the locker room. After the game, that's when the real fun starts!</i><br /><br />Presumably, the "other reward" implies a trip to Gray's Papaya!<br /><br />TMQ, having peeked through his fingers as Kris Benson self-destructed in yet another ludicrous outing for New York/B, is moved to compose a haiku:<br /><br /><i>Ms. Benson allows<br />Her paramour to forget<br />That he can suck, too,<br /><br />Though Willie Randolph<br />and his handling of meat<br />doesn't help matters.</i><br /><br /><b>Not-So-Obscure Minor League Player of the Week</b><br /><br />This would be Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd, who at 45, eight years removed from his last professional game, is pitching for the Brockton Rox of the Can/Am League. Boyd is no George Halas, but the Can — smoking butts between innings, wearing thick eyeglasses, and throwing pitches with names like the "yellow hammer" — is one of the game's great characters. And while the Can/Am League is among the lowest rungs of the minors — the Rox feature a catcher named Brian Jones, who is not floating face-down in a swimming pool, and a pitcher named Manny Tejada who resembles neither Manny nor Tejada — Boyd was good in his Brockton debut, allowing two runs in six innings.<br /><br />Asked about his future plans, the Can reported, "I still want to play in Boston. I'll go to Pawtucket for a couple hours, and then let's go get the Yankees. The powerful Yankees. Hell, yeah."<br /><br /><b>This Week's Challenge</b><br /><br />Loose-lipped FBI stooge W. Mark Felt was recently unmasked as the dastardly Deep Throat. In much the same way, someone — nobody's naming names — leaked pages of Barry Bonds' grand jury testimony to the media last winter. TMQ invites readers not only to speculate as to the identity of baseball's own Deep Throat, but to come up with a catchier, new-millennium moniker for the person who let personal gain and petty infighting supersede their ultimate loyalty to God, country, and BALCO.</div>Danielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01199871869384538151noreply@blogger.com3