Baltimore Orioles vs. Pittsburgh Pirates
Steelers Modey Lemon the best double-play combo since Ness-Capone (yesterday's gangsters are today's noizesters, as hairy dudes'll tell ya), who are these young Bucks coming straight out of cashville? (Do Pirate checks bounce?) Led by Dominican Miguel Tejada (a reggaetone collection like Thurston's got Fahey), the Karen O's yard balls indiscriminately, be they fast-, curve-, fork- or corn-, like Steel Town's dog-fucking Santorum. Three-and-oh green lights, let them be. D+
Seattle Mariners vs. Florida Marlins
Proof that a playoff series' Cop Rock-sized sample miseducates like Fugee Hill, Pat Borders once MVP'd the World Series; now he cradles rawhide from soft hands his baby's momma's age, and swings lumber with fewer rings than him (42 by sun, one by Gaston). With politico (Delgado), pundit (Leiter) and singles black male (Castillo) donning fins, the Rockette wind of Dontrelle seems Times Square-pedestrian. D
Dud of the Night
Tampa Bay Devil Rays vs. Cincinnati Reds
In some Cincy corners, municipal workers continue to recount Bush's theft, seeking a paper trail long gobbled by W's Mama Cass-appetite for imperialistic infamy. Considering the Buckeyes' Dergian corruption (ask Mahmoud Ahmed about that), the whole dominion should be rechristened "Tallywhack" and jettisoned to parts unknown; only Dave Thomas and Adam Dunn shall survive. While serving up tacos like high school wankstas, the Reds proclaim skip-kid (or is that kid-skip?) Cody Miley their good luck charm. Cody needs a rabbit's foot, and fast. F
Robert Christgau, the Dean of American Rock Criticism, writes for the Village Voice.