Pay Rickey

If you don't know, life in the minors is different from life in the big leagues. In the big leagues, you're eatin' steak every night, sometimes with shrimp on it or that sauce that Rickey can't spell the name of. In the minor leagues, dudes get like $10 a day in meal money. $10! Even in the clubhouse, they don't have any Gatorade, just this no-name stuff they bought at the dollar store with all this Russian writing on it and all these weird flavors nobody ever heard of. You ever try to drink an orange-parsnip Gatorade?

In the big leagues, you're doing Sunday Conversations and sh-t, and later you go to Scores, and you always stick Karl Ravech with the check. In the minors, you're hanging out at the airport Holiday Inn waiting for some girl named Starlene to get off third shift. And then there's this host family. Rickey gets paid in the minors, but Rickey don't get paid a lot, so to offset the costs all the Surf Dawgs stay with families in the suburbs.

Anyway, Rickey's host family is always conspirin' against him and sh-t. "Do the dishes, Rickey!" "Eat your carrots, Rickey!" Rickey Henderson is the major league leader in runs scored! Rickey told them that one night, and they were all, "Rickey, you better run this trash out to the curb before the garbage truck gets here!"

It ain't Rickey's fault that he's always coolin' in the basement with that corny little punk Trevor and the Xbox. They got air-conditioning down there! And "Halo 2"! Rickey was beatin' that kid's ass one night, and Trevor got all mad and started to cry, and Rickey, being Rickey, got up in his face. "You just jealous! You just ain't as good as Rickey! You ain't the greatest leadoff hitter of all time! What, you scared? You scared of Rickey!" Then that kid ran up the stairs, and down came his parents, looking all serious and sh-t.

So they sat Rickey down and said, "Rickey, we just don't think you're doing enough to earn your keep." Rickey was ready to fall out! Then they were all, "Maybe you should get a second job - it'll get you out of the house, and you can chip in for food and utilities."

Maybe they was just mad. Rickey was chilling in the basement one day, watching "Days of our Lives," and the phone rang.

"Hello, this is Deion from DirecTV."

Rickey was all, "Deion? Prime Time?" It's amazing what those football dudes will do for an extra buck. So Deion and Rickey were catching up, talking about the old days, and Deion said, "Do you know you can save 30% off the cost of cable and get, like, nine ESPNs if you sign up for satellite?"

Damn! That's a lot of ESPNs! Rickey didn't have to think twice about that. So a few days later, Rickey's host dad was all like, "What happened to BBC America?" And host mom said, "And what about the Lifetime Movie Network?" Rickey was watching some Denise Austin aerobics video from 1991 on ESPN Classic 2 at the time, but they didn't seem too interested in watching her switch that ass.

So maybe that's what they meant by paying the utilities.

See, the thing about being the greatest left fielder of all time is that you aren't really prepared for a career in the working world. Work experience? Rickey ain't experienced in sh-t but getting on base, stealing second, stealing third, and scoring mad runs. Rickey ain't gonna work at no car wash. So I'm sitting at Jack in the Box, eating them 99 cent tacos and getting my Pennysaver on, when I finally go, "I got it! I'ma apply for this job as a player/coach for a softball team!"

Just you wait. Rickey's gonna get paid.