SMILING!! I LOVE IT!!
Ed. Note: E$PN's inboxes are flooded with emails from devoted fans seeking fantasy baseball advice. We get thousands of these emails a week -- far more than our regular columnists can handle! So, voila! Welcome to the first installment of fantasy baseball advice on the new BBTN blog. And who better to be dishing out strategy and advice than the men who play the game every day! Today's experts are Mets pitchers and sure-fire Hall of Famers Pedro Martinez and Tom Glavine. E$PN sat down with them during their off-day Thursday and they didn't hold back in their effort to give you, the fans, the best fantasy advice anywhere on the internet.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Every week, the BBTN blog will feature a guest commentator offering his or her thoughts on how teams are faring in Major League Baseball. This week's guest commentator is renowned Phillies slugger JIM THOME. Online, Jim can also be found at The Dugout, the official chat room of Major League Baseball.]
hi! i'm jim thome (TOE-mee, not thome), and this is my JIM THOME RANK INDEX! i hope you enjoy reading it!
JIM THOME RANK INDEX
1) YANKEES – pink pinstripes don't make any sense. with arod coming around (finally!) (he was terrible last year) (JETER SUCKS AROD ha ha ha) and their pitching getting better (randy johnson! buddy groom! colter bean!), they should be in first place next week. also, they have lots of money. rumor has it they want to trade for a first baseman with some pop in his bat. they should ask about me!
2) WASHINGTON - nick johnson better get hurt on May 22nd - i have a bag of big league chew riding on that! fun fact: brian schneider and christian guzman are both hitting .200. that's not good. not hitting any homers yet isn't good, either. (note to yankees: i can still hit them! and i can look real mean at the plate!)
3) PHILADELPHIA - pat burrell showed me how to flick bottle caps yesterday. it was fun! i hit the phanatic with a few, and then i tackled him and kicked him a few times. then i found out it was a girl in the costume. uh-oh spaghettio. my wife was not happy about that. brett myers: cy young award. no, wait - jon leiber: cy young award. hey bud selig - make two awards! (hey! i forgot i hit a homer! awesome! we win!)
4) LOS ANGELES - no, wait, not the dodgers. did the angels move there? i don't remember. their cal angel unis were great. i saw in the paper that they're being called LAA now, which is funny. it reminds me of the sound of music, which is a really good movie. music is great! i like david eckstein's hustle. he's a great player. troy glaus, too.
1) ATLANTA - HA HA HA HA we will beat you this year! brian jordan and raul mondesi are old! and rafael furcal is drunk all the time. i know because he took me to a strip club with andruw. i had milk. no champagne room for me. (also the mets, the marlins, and washington suck.) (wait, did i say washington was good? i was wrong!)
2) CLEVELAND - HA HA HA HA that's what you get for not signing me to a long-term contract! ryne sandberg of yahoo! told me that cleveland doesn't have a good lineup - he's right! he's going into the hall of fame this year, which is great. i bring that up because the hall of fame is in canton, which is near cleveland. you can look it up.
3) PITTSBURGH - tike redman has one home run. i have one home run. i'm not tike redman. i'm jim thome. (brian cashman - call me! we can win it together! pride in pinstripes! BLACK pinstripes!)
4) KANSAS CITY - they sent calvin pickering down to triple a. that's too bad, as he has a good home run stroke. they brought back ken harvey, though. he has a better average than calvin, so they should be ok. i think zack grienke is fifteen. he should be in little league with elian gonzalez. ROFFEL
ok! that's all the time we have for today! remember, kids - keep your feet on the ground, and keep swinging for the fences! (casey kasem said that.)