PTI

SMILING!! I LOVE IT!!

The Curse of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named

You may be forgiven for thinking that the wind howling down Brookline Avenue the other day was the laughter of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, forever haunting the Olde Towne Team with the memory of that fateful October night in the South Bronx. As yet another Red Sox hurler went down with a leg injury - in scenes eerily reminiscent of the opening days of the star-crossed 1987 season - there was no sign of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, last seen traversing some minor league backwater in search of cannon fodder for the hapless Cubs.

From Presque Isle to Greenwich, Red Sox fans have been sticking pins in their Brockton Rox He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named bobble-arm dolls ever since Jorge Posada, with one bloop double off the running-on-fumes Pedro Martinez, turned their postseason hopes into a pumpkin. Now, it seems, the joke is on us.

David Wells is leaning on crutches in the Big Concourse, shoveling down another plate of chicken fingers. Curt Schilling is embarking on an elvish quest with his Internet fanboy friends. And even noted hockey fan Keith Foulke, the heart and soul of a miracle champion whose magical October, to this reporter, seems a lifetime ago, is treading on thin ice.

And now, a succession of no-hopers - Jeremi Gonzalez, John Halama, somebody named Tim Bausher - are set to trudge up the well-worn path from Pawtucket, bent on proving to the Fenway Faithful that their ownership is truly committed to winning. Ben Sheets isn't walking through that door, Boston. Johan Santana isn't walking through that door. Even Jon Papelbon, the prodigal son of Red Sox Nation, upon whose arm rest the hopes of New England A.C. (After Curt), isn't walking through that door.

Instead, we get Abe Alvarez - a soft-tossing lefty who's actually blind in one eye - serving up beachballs to Dmitri Young and Pudge Rodriguez on Tuesday in Detroit. Alvarez is a nice kid, but he couldn't beat a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. Indeed, it's time to get used to the new reality, Sox fans. Having learned nothing from the grim reign of Trader Dan Duquette, these newly-crowned World Champions buy their pitching like government cheese - in bulk, and without checking for mold.

Moribund. Hopeless. Lethargic. Disgraceful. The Curse of the Bambino may have ended when Mark Bellhorn flipped to Doug Mientkiewicz six months ago, but the Curse of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is only beginning. And the Boston Red Sox, deep in the throes of their death rattle after only twenty games of uninspired, flatulent baseball, are a dinosaur - the kind even Carl Everett can believe in.

Dan Shaughnessy is a frequent contributor to ESPN the Magazine.

Week Four

Welcome to the end of week four of the young baseball season, I'm Chris Berman and I hope you're enjoying your Saturday afternoon. There are a lot of questions entering week five as we move into May ... can the White Sox build on their torrid start? ... are the Yankees in danger of missing the playoffs for the first time in eleven years? ... will anyone beat the Cards in the NL this year?

The surprising Orioles are loaded with hitting talent and may be poised to make a run. With budding star Brian "Dread Pirate" Roberts, superstar shortstop Miguel "The Bigger They Come," Tejada "They Fall", plus veteran leadership from Sammy "Broken Sosa" Scene and Rafael "In the Palmeiroplane Over the Sea", they're giving their AL East opponents all they can handle.

And what about last night's fantastic pitching matchups? St. Louis - Atlanta had former Oakland teammates Tim "Out" Hudson and Mark Mulder "and Scully" pitching against each other for the first time. While in Houston, we saw the first NL meeting of 300-game winners in over one hundred years, with Greg "Appa" Maddux outdueling Rocket Roger Clemens. And in New York, the Yankee's struggles continued as Roy "Doc" Halladay beat the Big Unit on the back of Eric "Songs in the" Hinske "of Life"'s two-run home run.

Today, Dontrelle "What Chu Talkin' 'Bout?" Willis and Jamie "Principle" Moyer go for their major-league leading fifth wins, the Orioles try to make it six in a row against Tampa Bay, and a whole lot more. Enjoy your afternoon and evening of baseball, and be sure to check for all the scores and highlights on Baseball Tonight, right here, on E$PN!

Fantasy Baseball Advice

Ed. Note: E$PN's inboxes are flooded with emails from devoted fans seeking fantasy baseball advice. We get thousands of these emails a week -- far more than our regular columnists can handle! So, voila! Welcome to the first installment of fantasy baseball advice on the new BBTN blog. And who better to be dishing out strategy and advice than the men who play the game every day! Today's experts are Mets pitchers and sure-fire Hall of Famers Pedro Martinez and Tom Glavine. E$PN sat down with them during their off-day Thursday and they didn't hold back in their effort to give you, the fans, the best fantasy advice anywhere on the internet.



Q: I'm in desperate need of a closer for my roto league. One league manager is willing to trade me Eric Gagne, but he wants a top-line starter in return. This could be a great deal for me if Gagne is healthy once he comes off the DL. Do you think this trade is worth the risk?

Jim H., Trenton NJ

Pedro Martinez: If he's so healthy, why is he on the DL? He's no real pitcher. Real pitchers don't get injured. He isn't tough. When I pitch against him I'll knock him down.

Tom Glavine: As a pitcher, it's tough to come back from injury. You have to weigh the risks. I think Gagne will come back hungry, but he'll need to exude a strong-minded work ethic in order to return to the peak of his superlative talents. If he works at it even one-third as much as I have during my career, then I say you should trade for him.

Q: What's with Mike Lowell's slow start? Is it time for me to dump him?

Harold W., Sacramento, CA

PM: Dump him. He hits like .150 this season. Even I can do that, I bet you I will hit .150 this season, and I have to pitch also. He is not a good player. He is a girly girl primadonna, he cares about his hair, not baseball. No good.

TG: That's a very tough decision. On one hand, the MLBPA worked hard to get him that $7.5 million per year and he needs to earn it. On the other hand, I'm sure he's working excessively hard to ameliorate his hitting to acceptable levels. He used to be the star of that infield and now he's been upstaged by the signing of Carlos Delgado. If he's anything like me, he won't let a big money free agent signing upstage his performance. He needs to stay focused on his job, like I did when the Braves signed Maddux. If he's intimidated by his own teammate then his skills will deteriorate multiplicatively. But I don't think that will happen. Keep him on your team.

Q: Jeff Suppan is my #3 starter, and he's giving me wins and a decent ERA this season, but not much else. Should I attempt to trade up for a better starter?

Sally R., Denver, CO

PM: A pretty girl who likes baseball, I like this. But Suppan is no good. The Cardinals are no good. I crushed them myself in the World Series last year. You need a new starter.

TG: Suppan is a good starter on a great team. I'm sure that he's trying to get better all the time. You'd think that 16 wins guarantees you more than $4 million a year, but I digress. But I don't see Suppan as a 200-IP a year pitcher anymore. He's not a guy who can give you nine innings. With all the star power in that clubhouse, it's got to have a deleterious effect on his mental game preparation. He's always got to take a back seat to Edmonds and Pujols. I know what that's like. I'm not sure he can get over that hump. If you can get good value for him, trade him.

Q: In my keeper league, I've informally asked another manager about a trade of Orlando Cabrera for Bobby Crosby. I think Cabrera will be better this season, but for the future I'd rather have Crosby. The rest of my infield is really weak this season though, I'm in fourth place mainly on the strength of my pitching. I'll have to see what the other manager says, but if he's down with the trade, then do you think it's a good idea?

Gerry C., Charlotte, NC


PM: Cabrera is a little punk. He worked two month last year and won a World Series. I worked seven years in Boston for that. We would not win the World Series without me, Manny, Derek, Nelson, Foulke and especially my Game 3 win. Like I said to the girl, I am the Cardinals new daddies. I will beat them again this October. But Cabrera is not somebody for your team. Crosby I will knock down if we face him this season. These little players are troublesome, they need to be shown Mr. Fastball. But you don't need Cabrera. He only cares about winning the easy way. I win the hard way. Also, of course your pitching is making you near the top of your league. Baseball is 95% pitching. You need pitching, not little shortstop men like Cabrera.

TG: Crosby won the Rookie of the Year award last year, so you know he's a hard worker. Oakland expects a lot out of their young players, and Crosby is so he is used to working in an excessively pressured environment. If he can vociferously maintain his focus as he gains experience and market value, then I think he's a splendid long-term investment for you.

Ed. Note: That's all the time we had this week. Next week, we hope to bring you even more fantasy baseball advice from the best minds the game has to offer. No, not the BBTN staff, the players themselves! LOL. Have a lucky fantasy weekend!

Clemens, Maddux, and the Pud

Much like the time Dwight Gooden and I appeared together on the cover of Sports Illustrated, two legends of the game take the mound opposite each other tonight in Houston. The Cubs Greg Maddux and the Astros Roger Clemens are both 300 game winners and this matchup promises to be one of the year's most sizzling duels. Jayson Stark tells me that this is the first time two NL 300 game winners have faced off against each other since Jim O'Keefe and Jim "Pud" Galvin tangled in the 1800s! I never got a chance to see Pud pitch (lol I'm not that old Boomer!) but I can tell you for a fact that these two pitchers you'll see tonight are cut straight from Pud's mold.

Maddux and Clemens couldn't be less alike but they have so much in common. Maddux will paint the outside corners all night long while Clemens will just rear back with the flamethrower and throw the smoke right past the batter. Both are 300 game winners though. Both slice their opposition up quickly too--don't expect this duel to last longer than a Texas sitcom.

This early season classic will be one for the books. Throw out all the records for this rivalry, these are two 300 game winners and that's all you need to know. Tune into WGN tonight and enjoy the fireworks. I'm so pumped that when they introduce Clemens and Maddux I'm going to get goose bumps in my hair. I've gotten them in my arms before, but never in my hair!

Pay Rickey

What’s up, y’all? When “Baseball Tonight” asked me to write about baseball for their site, I was running wind sprints in Journal Square. That’s how much Rickey loves the game. It’s April, and he’s running around Newark like a chump.

No misrespect intended to the rest of the Newark Bears, but Rickey Henderson is a truly gifted, dominant baseball player. I’m 46 years old, and I’m playing against a bunch of girls!

I wanted to call this column “Pay Rickey,” because that’s what people need to do. Pay Rickey. If Tony Gwynn was making a comeback, people would pay Tony. People love Tony Gwynn. People hate Rickey. They say, “Tony Gwynn gave 110%.” Rickey gave 140%! They say, “Tony Gwynn was a five-tool player.” Rickey is a six-tool player!

Here are some other players that Rickey Henderson is better than:

Barry Bonds, San Francisco Giants: Now, people always ask me, “Rickey, you must have took some steroids!” I never did that. Barry Bonds, though, he took some steroids. You can tell, man, because dude’s head is really big. Your head gets really big when you take steroids! Rickey’s head, man, Rickey’s head is as small and beautiful as it was in 1979. Rickey never took steroids. Barry Bonds’ head is bigger than John Kruk. You tell me who’s the Hall of Famer.

Ichiro Suzuki, Seattle Mariners: People say Ichiro is the next Rickey Henderson. Ichiro has 157 stolen bases. Rickey Henderson has 1406. Therefore, Rickey is exactly nine times as great as Ichiro. People say Rickey is egotistical. Rickey never wore a jersey that said “Rickey”! And Ichiro cheats. He starts running before he swings. Even though Rickey is a lefty, he's so confident in his baserunning abilities that he actually bats right-handed.

Dave Roberts, San Diego Padres: Dave Roberts is a punk. People said that was the most famous stolen base in history. I asked them, “How many of Rickey Henderson’s stolen bases were more famous than Dave Roberts? All of them!”

Julio Franco, Atlanta Braves: Julio Franco ain’t even an outfielder, but he’s four months older than me. When people say, “Rickey, you’re too old!” Rickey says, “What about Julio?”

Rickey Henderson appreciates the love. Pay Rickey!

More Cowbell Than You Will Ever Need

My editors thought it would be a good idea for me to stop in here, since I'm one of the few regular contributors at E$PN who has experience running a website (you might remember my days as the Boston Sports Guy). So I'm Bill Simmons, and unlike the regular contributors to this blog, you haven't seen me on TV.

Frankly, I was a bit surprised when I heard that BBTN was starting a blog. My buddy Hench got 3-1 odds in Vegas that this blog won't last four months. I thought it was a rash gambling decision, but he's riding a high because he stands to win $450 if the Rockets beat the Mavs. I told Dad about the blog, and he said "They're starting a blog? They should just stick to TV and talk more about hitting" before grumbling something about Bronson Arroyo. He's a character, my Dad.

Now I know these guys write the occasional column on the E$PN site, but when you think about the BBTN crew, "internet savvy" isn't the first thing that comes to mind. Can you picture HR and Kruk sitting awake at night, responding to all of the scathing comments in their comments boxes? They might pull it off, though. If Donald Trump can resurrect his late 80's celebrity status and become one of the biggest stars on TV, then anything can happen (seriously, in 2001, what odds could you have gotten in Vegas betting on "Donald Trump having a massive hit TV show within three years"? You could have gotten better odds betting on Ian Ziering becoming the next James Bond). This blog will either be an amazing success or it will crash and burn spectacularly. There's no inbetween. Either the hits will go through the roof or it will the online equivalent of Brenda and Dylan getting held up at the Mexican border after their ill-thought out trip to Baja. At least that gave us a James Eckhouse performance for the ages. That talk he had with Brenda afterward, when he forbade her to ever see Dylan again -- he should have won a special Emmy just for that two minute performance. That was a "Save Until I Delete" moment on TiVo if there ever was one (too bad there was no TiVo back then. Can you imagine if there had been? On second thought, I'd have maxed out my TiVo's memory chips on 90210 and OJ trial coverage, leaving no room for saving the Ron Artest incident so that I could watch it 583 times over the past five months. These are the things that keep me awake at night).

I explained this to BBTN and suggested that they get in a few net-savvy baseball guys to help keep the blog's momentum moving. You don't think Rob Neyer would kill to mix it up with Kruk on the topic of clutch hitting? Actually, never mind the blog, they should ditch it and send John Kruk and Rob Neyer on a three-week tour to A-ball. Have them drive from ballpark to ballpark, watching games together, videotape everything they say and do, and make it into a reality show for E$PN2. It would be one part Mulder and Scully, one part "The Simple Life". That's a can't-miss prospect, unlike the players they'd be watching during their travels. Can you imagine?

Kruk: That Hollandsdale kid, he's a flamethrower, he's hitting 95 on the gun no problem. He could pitch in the bigs right now.

Neyer: His K/BB ratio last year in the Peachgrass League was only 1.8/1. And he's already 25 years old. I mean, we can't be certain that he'll make it to the bigs, but right now, I'd say it's likely that his control issues will get him no higher than AA ball.

Kruk: In high school, I used to sit on kids like you.

A whole ten episodes of this? Who do I have to talk to in order to make this happen?

Anyhow, I'm just about out of time here, and I haven't even said anything about the Red Sox! Many readers have written to me wondering where Pedro's performance with the Mets ranks on the Vengeance Scale. If he keeps pitching this way for the rest of the season, then it should place somewhere between Shaq in Miami and Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me A River" video. But yeah, with Wells and Schilling injured, and Pedro rubbing his success in Boston's face, things aren't looking good for the Sox. At least Nomar is injured, we can feel good about that. Really though, who didn't see that coming? Nomar's injury is the least surprising thing to happen in baseball this year. Even Coby getting voted off on "Survivor" two weeks ago was more surprising than that.

And if the blog doesn't work out, don't worry, there's always "Page 3"!

Pardon the Interruption

Pardon the interruption, but I'm Tony Kornheiser, and I'll start today's post with a sad farewell to former defensive back Johnny Sample. Sample died of heart disease on Tuesday according to the Philadelphia medical examiner's office. Sample was probably best known for intercepting a pass in the 1969 Super Bowl.

And now, as for my esteemed colleague and co-host Mike Wilbon, who is so obsessed with winning, that he would consider taking a pass on one of the greatest winners of all time, Roger Clemens, whom he HATES, just because he (Clemens) is ONLY 1-0.

Mike, your BOY, Luis Vizcaino is 2-1 as of April 27. At this rate, He would be 22-3 by the end of the year. MIKE! WOULD YOU CHOSE TO HAVE YOUR BOY LUIS VIZCAINO OVER ROGER CLEMENS!? WHAT SAY YOU?!?!?!?!

On another note, I love this weblog thing! LOVE IT! Look at me! I've got a picture to go with my column, and nothing like the crappy BLACK AND WHITE one with my columns for the Post! AMAZING!

LOOK AT ME! I'M SMILING!

Like a Blogging Stone

I was on the phone with Sut the other day and he told me about the new Baseball Tonight blog that the studio guys had put on the internet. He and I had a good laugh, we both thought it was a lot like taking a no-hitter into the eighth inning--everyone knows about it but you don't want to be the one to say anything to the pitcher, you just leave him alone. So a couple days later Harold Reynolds and I grabbed a bite to eat after a telecast and we were talking about this blog and he asked me to write a few thoughts from the booth perspective. Before I could even tell him I didn't know anything about John Wilkes, he stuck me with the check and was out the door!

Don't get me wrong, there's some prodigous talent here. I think you're going to see a lot of insight pretty quickly on these pages. You know that Gammons will bring consistency and that unique perspective on the often overlooked AL East post in and post out. Kruk has always shown that he can handle his words. At the end of the day, I wouldn't be surprised to see this bunch win two, three Webbys for their work. The talent is there. The drive is there. You just need that one person to step up and say, "I'll lead these bloggers, I'll take this place to a new level." And I think you're going to see that pretty quickly.

I'm honored and flattered to be along for the ride, and I'll be looking forward to reading these guys' thoughts just as much as you will.

PTI

Pardon the interruption, but I'm Mike Wilbon, and when I heard that my boys at Baseball Tonight were starting a blog, I just had to pay a visit and help get things off the ground.

Coincidentally, the Krukker touched on some points that I addressed on my show a couple of days ago. First, let's talk about Roger Clemens -- only one win in his first four starts. It's almost May, and the great Roger Clemens has only won once. This is the same guy who started 14-0 for the 1986 Red Sox and 11-0 for the 1997 Blue Jays. He's the only pitcher ever to start a season 20-1. And now, at 47 years old or however old he is, you're telling me he's got just one win at this point in the season? It's safe to say that this is not the way Roger Clemens wanted to start the year. He's been a winner for his entire career. He's a first ballot Hall of Famer, but age may have finally caught up to him.

Then you've got -- my boy!! -- Ozzie Guillen and the Chicago White Sox. BABY BULLS! BABY BULLS!! Sorry, I had to throw that in there. You knew I would. Anyhow, back to the Sox and their amazing start -- the best start in team history. Every night, the Sox are putting on a clinic on how to play winning baseball. They're doing it the old fashioned way, with small ball and pitching. Of the top 10 AL ERA leaders, three of them play for the Sox. Now that's a dominant pitching staff. Yes, it's a great time to be a sports fan in Chicago, first with the resurgent BABY BULLS and now with the White Sox.

Best of luck to all my boys at Baseball Tonight with their new blog. All right, the Bulls-Wizards game is about to start, so I'll see you knuckleheads later. Until then, BABY BULLS BABY BULLS BABY BULLS!!

We would like to inform you that "Yard Work" is not associated with ESPN or ESPN's Baseball Tonight in any way. Having said that, please read and enjoy.